The Fashion, 1977

Back in the olden times, nineteen hundred and seventy-seven, when this garden centre opened, this is how little posh gardenery kids used to dress. Apparently.

Bingo Little's Tie

I watched a documentary about life in modern day England. It followed this rich guy Bertie Wooster who, in common with most people in the Home Counties, has a butler. A chap called Jeeves who is considerably more sagacious and urbane than his master.

There was this scene in it where Bertie's pal Bingo arrives wearing a tie given to him by a waitress he's smitten with. When Jeeves sees it he visibly recoils and leaves the room to recover. The camera follows Bertie into the kitchen where he asks Jeeves what's wrong.

"Mr Little's tie. It had little horseshoes on it"

Then, in what could well be the guiding motto For The Way We Live Today, he adds:

"It's sometimes difficult to shrug these things off, Sir".

Dave's England Team

Here's the England comedy team brought to you by the good people at Dave 'cos World Cup is on.

Oh look, there's renowned Morris Dancer Frankie Boyle playing just behind lone striker and Loyal Son Of Ulster Dara Ó Briain.

Pah!

QUICK - Horse Box

Far be it from me to comment on the ways of the countryside but in this observer's opinion a QUICK turn is one of the very last things a vehicle trailing a horse box should attempt.

Stupid Suggestion

In which my increasingly ludicrous Arsebook page plummets to new levels of stupidity.

Hear No Evil

Bishop Desmond Tutu tells us that we must learn to love the vuvuzela. They are, of course, an integral and unique part of South African football culture and any talk of banning them is arrogant, xenophobic and culturally insensitive. They embody the history and tradition of the Rainbow Nation and, without them, the World Cup would be bland and sanitised. Westernised.

On the other hand they sound like a swarm of satanic locusts and, on average, are making me shout at the kids 33% more than strictly necessary. Fuck political correctness. Ban them now.

Clint Dempsey

This is Clint Dempsey after scoring against England the other night. He appears to be, as Van Morrison would have it, giving praise to the One.

But if God really is in any way implicated in such a calamitous goal He would appear to be even more cruel and vindictive than many of His earthly proponents would have us believe.

Or, of course, Scottish.

People and Places

Earlier today:

Her : Sorry I've forgotten your name.
Me : It's Musters.
Her : Oh yes - nobody could forget that name.
Well you seemed to have fucking managed it!
Me : Er, no. Shall we, ehm...

Later today (but before now):

Him : You watching the World Cup?
Me : Sure am, I've taped the Argentina game.
Him : Oh yea, they won one-nil.
You arse!
Me : Did they.

Taking care of YOU and YOUR family

The idea of purchasing healthcare products is well understood. You might need some cream for that persistent rash or some Calpol for the kids. You pays your money and they give you the stuff. That's the normal operating flow of the thing.

So, at an absolute push, and in the most general sense possible, you might concede that they are:

Taking care of YOU and YOUR family!

Unless of course you're buying, say, a pregnancy kit for your dentist's wife.

The 33rd Flavour

In which Irish Stew becomes the 33rd flavour.

A Fruity Cummerbund

Sitting in the garden with the eldest. It's hot and windy.

Me: How you getting on with "The Inimitable Jeeves"?
Her: Good.
Me: It's good, not too old for you?
Her: No, it's funny.

Ten minutes later.

Her: Dad, what's a cummerbund?
Me: Er, it's a kind of thing that men put round their waists. In the olden times.
Her: Oh. What's fruity then?
Me: Fruity ... it's like bold, cheeky.
Her: Oh. A cheeky thing you wear round your waist, then?
Me: Yes, exactly. Very cheeky.

Call to Prayer

We were in this pub listening to the "Old" De Dannan. Between tunes, I informed them that, good as they were, they weren't in the same class as the "New" De Dannan. I generally like to take things too far in these situations and this was no exception. They laughed uncomfortably at the drunken Jock.

Then this old fella came on and sang a few songs. Silence prevailed utterly and it felt like a call to prayer. He sang in the old style and he was awful or great depending on your taste. Maybe both.

I took this picture to show you what he looks like and how he sounds. He sounds exactly how he looks, you see.

Who's On The Plane?

Who's on the plane? Who isn't?.

Theo Walcott will definitely not be on the plane. Neither will Darren Bent. But Jermaine Defoe and Tattieheid will be. According to this predictably daft Sky Sports News graphic they're already seated for fucking take-off.

Shite.

Portable Telephones

I was just about to get it out of the carrying case when I spotted this sign. It probably interferes with the X-Ray machines.