Simply Shit

The curry for people who like chips with their curry.

Weird Sausages

Some sausages. On a piece of parchment. Burnt out parchment paper with a door-handle at the base. What were they thinking!

White Flag

This is Gorillaz from last night's Later. In his understandable desire to avoid the lamentable musical tourism and cultural appropriation characterised in the work of, er, Paul Simon, Albarn, that great musical unifier, gives centre stage to rappers Mos Def, Kano & Bashy, the Syrian National Orchestra for Oriental Arabic Music and Damon only knows who else. The main man contents himself with playing nothing more than a large acoustic white flag.

Shoe Sale

Shoes. Two for €80. Approximately €40 a shoe.

Sash Windows

Are probably not all that popular here in the Free State

Samaritans

With all the will in the world, I think it's extremely unlikely that anyone in need of Samaritans would come anywhere near the life-buoy stand.

Naggins

Wow, it's Huzzar again, whatever it is. And it's only €4.99 a bottle. But you can't just choose any size. You have to buy a "naggin", which is a quarter bottle, in new money.

One of the many benefits of being an alcoholic.

Mad Lady (3)

I took this picture of TTW this morning. As mentioned here and there I did it "from behind", "one handed" and "at speed". None of this stopped her noticing and turning round to scowl at me. It's not a perfect picture, a little blurred I admit, but under the circumstances I feel I've captured her mien pretty well. I apologise if you recognise the poor woman and are offended. Perhaps she's an Aunt of yours?


This time she said nothing to me. Perhaps no suitable profanity sprung to mind even to one so seasoned in such matters. Instead, despite the fact that I was by now some distance past her, she spat at me. Not your average spit this but one, I imagine, infused with continuous breakfasting on egg and jam bound together gelatinously with the devil's own BILE. It landed thunderously on my back its bilious greeny-yellowness almost perfectly camouflaged by my high-viz jacket. I no longer own this jacket.

Of course, people who suffer from Tourrettes Syndrome are given to spitting. Maybe that's why she spat. More likely she just hates me.

Mad Lady (2)

I cycled by Tourrettes Tracksuit Woman (TTW) again this morning. I saw her about a mile away lumbering along fluorescently so I made sure I was on the road as I passed her. I slowed down to wish her good day and see if she still had food around her mouth. She certainly did. It looked like raspberry jam and her moustache was encrusted with dried milk. Not a "milk moustache", as such, just milk on her moustache. She shouted "Fuck Off" at me and as I sped away she added what sounded like "FUD". Charming.

?!

Sorry, assholes, but you already finished the sentence with a question mark. It's too late for the try-hard exclamation mark!

Mad Lady

Soon, I found myself suggesting to a lady that she:

"Go easy on the Tourette's"

When I looked at her closely I realised that she was wearing astonishingly bad clothes. Some class of fluorescent shell suit with lizards and quite possibly butterflies all over it. She also had a very strange face and her mouth was surrounded by spittle and egg. In short, she was quite clearly not right in the heid. So I felt a bit guilty.

On the other hand she had called me a "fucking cnut" for merely cycling on the pavement.

Parking a bus

Early morning, April 8th. Today in fact.

The lady driving this asked me if I'd mind moving my car a little to give her more room.

She did ask nice and she was only learning so I resisted the temptation to tell her she could get a fecking bus in that space.

The Kitchen Of Aestheticism

Expert.
Of.
Beautiful.
Kitchen.
Disware.

You
Feel.
In.
The.
Kitchen.
Of.
Aestheticism.

Priced To Sell

I was looking at a jacket today (God knows why) when some try-hard salesman comes up.
"Great Jacket", he says. "Priced to sell".
"As opposed to everything else in the shop?", I asked.
A silence followed. I was looking at him. He at me. We at each other.
He broke first. "Ah now...". he said, walking off.
I'd gone too far, it seemed. Easy done.

Cosy Off-License

I may be out on a limb here but surely one of the least desirable attributes of an off-licence is "cosiness" [1].

[1] This sign clearly has many, many other problems.

Easter, 1916

A remembrance for the villagers who died Easter, 1916. In the fight for freedom. The most important event in Irish history. Everyone else in the pub watching Burnley being thrashed by Man City.

The numbers bolstered some 10% by me, Musters, and a Chinese woman eating an ice-cream.

For the way we live today.

Another Famous Christian

Today, Good Friday, the good people at Google opt to celebrate the birthday of Hans Christian Andersen, a ripe 205 today, rather than another famous Christian, Jesus, who died that we may live and so forth...

BUZZ FACTOR

After 5 years of intensive research in which the tears of deceased drug-addicts were mixed with nothing more than common Chinese ear wax, scientists have discovered that Kylie Minogue is Britain's most popular celebrity. This technique, "distinct universal level latency asset reverence determination", which measures "BUZZ FACTOR", placed the petite Antipodean singer ahead of Cheryl Cole by nearly fifty thousand dullards.

Trailing behind in the dullard stakes were David Beckham, Ant & Dec and Joanna Lumley.

The whole true story here.