RANGERS HAVEN'T SPAT ON ANYONE

21.06.12
GREEN: "We 'aven't spat on anyone".

Rangers chief executive Charles Green believes Scottish football must do "what is right financially" as the club await a vote on their future status.

Green told the Rangers website:
"My family came up poor, we didn't have two brass farthings to rub together us britches showin', muck an splat reet up t'neck but we made our way up through 'ard graft" adding "Let me make this very simple for you, fancy ideas about sporting integrity are all well and good in that fancy London but it won't butter thee parsnips will it?"

Scottish Premier League clubs will decide on 4 July whether Green's 'newco' Rangers can replace the old club in the top flight.
Should Green not get the necessary support, Rangers would have to apply to the Scottish Football League for the vacancy that would arise in Division Three after various clubs are moved up a division.

He added:
"Look I'm poor me, I still 'aven't got nowt and I didn't buy this club t'play in't third bloody division". "A've saved this club from t'brink and ah don't do owt for nowt me".

Rangers are currently facing charges of bringing the game into disrepute and illegal registration of players by Scottish Football Authorities.

Mr Green went on:
"C'mon we may 'ave broken few rules, with'eld tax t'bloody government, cheated a few titles here and there but it's not as if we spat on anyone ", adding "We certainly 'aven't spat on anyone". "Any proper football person'll tell you that's the worst thing you can do in football".

Our sources have confirmed that various ongoing investigations into the club being conducted by liquidators on behalf of HMRC, the Scottish Football Association, the Scottish Premier League and the Strathclyde Police Force are not concerned with any saliva related rule breaches.

RANGERS RECEIVE IBROX BOOST

"Our players are fully mowtivated"


RFC PLC (in administration) were today given some good news when it was revealed that a troublesome cutting mechanism on the club's Ransome TG 3400 7-head hydraulic trailed chassis cylinder mower (Sports Edition) had improved somewhat. It is believed that a deep overlay sprocket (end angle) had been up to 2.5 degrees over "edged" and this had been causing surface scarification compaction.

Head groundsman David Roxburgh expressed his delight "We'd been aware of this problem for a while now and 'Coisty came down suggested I push it (the sprocket) in a wee bit and that seems to have made all the difference" adding "It's been a tough week for this great club but hopefully this will see us turning the corner".

RFC PLC (in administration) have suffered a number of injuries this season to key players including Steven Naismith and Kyle Lafferty and this along with being deducted ten points for tax avoidance has hampered their league challenge. The club's mascot, Ian Durrant said "Hopefully if we can continue to maintain the surface aeration to aid root growth this will help 'Naisy and Laffs in their recovery" adding "Our players are fully mowtivated".

It is believed that the injured players have being paying the top band of tax to the club and this is deducted from their salary directly at source although not passed on to Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.

Another good news story emerged yesterday when it was revealed that the club's under-13 star centre forward Rory McCrorie celebrated his 13th birthday. He received an ipod touch, some computer games and was taken to Nando's by his Mum and Dad for a slap-up tea.

RANGERS IN UNBRIDLED ELATION

“it takes a siege mentality to really unite you with your fellow fans”

As Scottish football begins to take in the scale of the crisis at "Rangers FC PLC (in administration)" the club's fans are in buoyant mood.

The biggest crowd of the season attended the match between "RFC PLC (ia)" and Kilmarnock on Saturday at their current home, Ibrox Stadium. There was a carnival atmosphere which many fans described as being reminiscent of Victory in Europe Day 1945 as that heaving emotional cauldron reverberated to the sound of "We're having a party, We're going to die" and "Always look on the bright side of death".

It was also a busy day for the Scottish Ambulance Service as several hundred younger fans fainted due to "emotional stretching" and fellow supporters were able to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Sixty-five year old father of four Ivan Smith said "I don't mind admitting, it was rather thrilling".

After the match, one fan told me "It takes a siege mentality to really unite you with your fellow fans" adding "I've been coming to watch this team for thirty-five years and today is the first time I've even spoken to anyone - it's magic!!!".

This view was shared around the ground as grown men danced and kissed each other playfully on the lips. The chairman of the Milngavie Rangers Supporters Club, Findlay Sykes-Ogilvie, told me "This is the finest day in our proud 140 year history. The emotional intensity of the match was utterly beautiful and losing the match one nil, if anything, enhanced our shared experience".

Alistair McCoist, the current manager of "RFC PLC (ia)", choked back tears of joy as he said "I'm so proud of my players today. The performance was understandably below par but we got the result we needed to get that magnificent crowd behind us". Asked if he had a message for the fans McCoist, holding a bottle of vintage Champagne, said simply "WE ARRA PEOPLE!!!" before tightly hugging Ian Durrant.

The club's next game is due to take place on Sunday away to Inverness Caledonian Thistle. Those lucky fans who have secured tickets will be hoping for an even more convincing result.

RANGERS FACE SECRETARIAL CHARGES

17.02.12

Fears emerged today that the current crisis at the beleaguered “Rangers FC PLC (in administration)” will result in an increase in the secretarial problems which have dogged the club for years.

Paul Clark, of administrators Duff and Phelps, said yesterday “We are looking into all areas of expenditure and, yes, it does look from our initial review that there has been an endemic culture of secretarial abuse from within the club”. When asked to clarify this point Mr Clark said “For example, there is evidence that notepads were used for only one or possibly two MAX meetings before being discarded” adding that “These notepads are 80 pages, ruled with margins and should, by any reasonable standards, last for at least a couple of months”. It is believed that an investigation has been launched into the whereabouts of these partially used notepads.

With staff cuts impending the positions of thirty-five ladies currently working in the typing pool are particularly under threat. One worker told us that club officials as well as players would often go into her desk in the evening, remove the key for the stationery cupboard and help themselves to all manner of embossed high-end envelopes, writing-paper, burnished paper-weights and tippex. It is believed that should these secretarial positions be lost it would, in the words of one lady, lead to “open season” on the company supplies.

Meanwhile, Rangers erstwhile owner Craig Whyte is himself not beyond reproach and is thought to have been guilty of some of the most extreme secretarial misconduct during his eight month tenure. An insider told us “Mr Whyte would routinely throw staple guns out his window when they ran out of staples. He would send one of his servants for a fresh staple gun on a weekly basis”.

Gordon Smith, the Rangers Director of Football, expressed surprise that this was still an ongoing issue at the club stating that “Rangers FC PLC (in administration) have long since recognised there were hardcore elements within the club and have attempted to tackle the problem”.

RANGERS TO MOVE TO BOGHEAD

16-02-12

The embattled former Glasgow giants "Rangers FC PLC (in administration)" were today given good news when the prospect of ground sharing with Dumbarton F.C. emerged.

Boghead, recently rebranded the "Strathclyde Homes Stadium" can be reached by following the A814 into Dumbarton from the main A82 trunk road until you see Dumbarton East Station then 100 yards or so along from the station you will see a brown sign for the old castle and the ground is at the bottom of this road. Set prettily at the foot of the imposing Dumbarton Rock it is one of the most picturesque stadiums in Scottish football.

Administrators placed in charge of "Rangers FC PLC (in administration)" , Duff and Phelps, are said to have contacted Dumbarton chairman Alan Jardine once it became clear that both Ibrox Stadium and Murray Park would have to be sold immediately in order to satisfy Rangers' tax bill which is now believed to be in excess of one hundred million trillion pounds.

Paul Clark, of Duff and Phelps, said "We are very grateful to Dumbarton Football Club and their offer of assistance will be of much value in real terms going forward for this great club who have the best supporters in the world" adding "I firmly believe that our team will survive from this ordeal; fitter, leaner and stronger".

Gordon Smith, the Rangers Director of Football gave a cautious welcome to the plan stating that "Many of our players live in nearby Helensburgh so it will a handy drive to the ground for those players who have a car." adding "The bus service is also quite regular I believe.".

Rangers manager Alistair McCoist remains close friends with former colleague Rene Gattuso whose club AC Milan also ground share at the San Siro with city giants Inter Milan.

Dumbarton manager Alan Adamson however sounded a note of caution stating "We train Tuesday and Thursday nights and we won't be changing that arrangement so Rangers would have to work around us".

Concern was also expressed by 83 year-old kit-lady Annie McGregor who said "There's nae chance I can take on another set of dirty laundry unless I get a new washing machine and iron" adding "I'm 83 you know".

Rangers winger Sone Aluko tweeted out the following from his twitter: "im sure u all will stay loyal to RFC!! lol xxx" wisely adding "difficult produce strenth, strenth develop hope & hope lead defiance:-)".

It is not believed that this arrangement will cause any fixture clashes between the two clubs since Dumbarton are currently playing in the Scottish Second Division.

RANGERS WANT BAXTER BACK

10-02-12

Jim Baxter, the former Rangers player, is today being linked with a dramatic return to the club. Rangers are hoping to exploit a loophole in the FIFA registration process which allows players who were released from their contract prior to deadline day to be signed outside the transfer window.

The former midfield maestro, considered one of the greatest players in the club’s history, played for Rangers between 1960 and 1965, where he became known as "Slim Jim".

Rangers manager Alistair McCoist said: "Obviously we’d be delighted to bring back a player of Jim’s quality to the club and he would provide much needed completion in the squad” adding “he might not have the dash and enthusiasm of old but he will certainly stiffen up the midfield area”.

Craig Whyte, the Rangers owner said: “To all Rangers fans, Baxter is one the great immortals and we are doing all we can to work around a few technicalities related to his certification and exhumation papers”.

Rangers are expected to double Baxter’s previous salary at the club which is believed to have been £8 and 6/- a week. A source close to Baxter’s estate refused to comment.

FIN

Well, after nearly 800 posts, over 10000 words (some of them different) and more typos than would be deemed acceptable in polite society this is now an EX-BLOG. Its metabolic processes are now history. I didn't so much run out of ideas as run out of the same ONE. I got sick of it and - worse - I think it got sick of me. But we had some good times and it will remain here for reference like an ill-judged remark to a hostess at a dinner party.

Thanks and - hey - it's been real.

Midlake, John Grant, Jason Lytle.

When:
7th Nov 2010

Where:
Vickers Street, Dublin

The Gig:
What a line up! I've been a Jason Lytle (Grandaddy) fan for years and recently have been loving John Grant's King of Denmark album. These two provided stellar support for the towering Midlake.

Jason played a combination of Grandaddy songs and solo material to a half-full (but fully devoted) crowd. Ever wondered whether it's possible to base an entire oeuve on the ephemeral nature of technology as a metaphor for the decline of human relationships? No, me neither but Jason continues to plough this rich furrow beautifully. Midlake are clearly big Grandaddy fans as their excellent, if somewhat derivative, debut album Bamnan And Silvercork will evince.

Next up was John Grant, former singer with The Czars. His solo album has been a familiar soundtrack in our house so long as I'm the only one it it. I think my wife finds it a little overblown and melodramatic. I know what she means but it's redeemed utterly to my ears by Grant's mordant wit and poetic lyricism. Live, he blew the (now three quarters full) crowd away, those sublimely acerbic songs delivered in a rich baritone. If it wasn't for the fact that WORLD'S BEST BAND were up next on a tight schedule we wouldn't have let him leave.

I love Midlake. My five year old daughter goes to sleep each night listening to The Courage of Others. After a fourteen hour shift of constant activity the music seems to enchant her into slumber and she rarely makes it past Winter Dies. A powerful tool. I'm 43 years of age and I'm insanely happy to have an absolute favourite band again. They played for an hour and a half but it flew by in a heartbeat. Their orchestral, yet trippy, arrangements washed over me and the beautiful, otherworldly lyrics made my spine tingle. Time stood still and as I stood there, sipping my whiskey, a manly tear or two may have fallen (brackishly) down my face. But that's not definite.

The Audience:
Predominantly my own age group. The guy next to me had the same shirt as me. Red check. We agreed not to tell anyone how cheap they were. Soon after, he almost got into a fight with some drunk dude in front of him. No idea why. A fight at a Midlake gig! Unthinkable.

Food & Drink:
The usual fizzy keg, hangover inducing muck we get over in Ireland. I stuck with Kingsley Amis's favourite breakfast tipple. Large whiskey (Jameson's) and water.

It Made Me Think...:
About the olden times. 1891.

Fi Fo Fi Fum

Setting : A Catholic Club, Alfred Street, Belfast City.
Timeline: Sun 24th Oct 2010, mid afternoon.
Players : Me, Him (man at door smoking), around 40 other Celtic supporters

The day of the first Old Firm game of the season. Tensions are high. I'd ordered beer which was Guinness. Celtic score I jump up and hug a complete stranger. Rangers score once, twice, thrice. Crying into 3rd beer now. I have lived and died the game and make to leave.

Me:
See yi later mate.
Him:
Aye, cheers pal, yi can start smiling now.

(exeunt to strains of Fi Fo Fi Fum ... I smell the blood of a protest-unt).

fin.

Belfast City

Setting : Morning Star, Belfast City.
Timeline: Sat 23rd Oct 2010. Early evening.
Players : Me, Barman

(It's the night before the first Old Firm game of the season. Tensions are high. I'd ordered food which was steak and mussels. It was that kind of night.)

Me:
Tell me this and tell me no more. Are you showing the match tomorrow?
Barman:
No.

Fin.