This What?

"Date of Birth?"
"Fourteen-Two-Thirty-One".
Thus went the conversation, nurse to patient, through the curtain, from the next bed.
Hmmm, nearly eighty, I thought, tilting my left ear upwards.
"So what are you getting done today?", said the nurse.
My honed ear picks up rustling bed covers then the reply. "This".
This what?
Sympathetic murmurings from the nurse. "The doctor won't keep you long now"
What is this?
Surely some kind of explanation for the benefit of nosy bastards would have been in order.

The Anniversary Man

Nurse picked up my book this morning.

"Looks interesting, what's it about?".
"It's about a serial killer".
"Oh", she said, putting the book down quickly.
"A copy cat one", I said. Adding "They haven't caught him yet".

I always say shit stuff to medical professionals.

Bullshit No More

I love the simplicity of this. You move to a new country and start again. Leaving all the bullshit behind. You build a great business that benefits all.

• Differentiators no more.
• Core Competencies no more.
• Persuasion Process no more.
• Value Add no more.
• Drive-In Dry Cleaners no more.

It's the Hungarian Food Store. For Hungry people. Come on in.

Drive-In Cleaners

One can only suppose that by "DRIVE-IN" they mean "PARK-OUTSIDE".

Mad Lady (4)

To the left pedestrians, to the right cyclists. The cycle path is quite clearly marked.

Sadly I must report that, this morning, I had another episode with Tourettes Tracksuit Woman (TTW). Strangely enough she wasn't wearing her usual fluorescent trackie today. She was, however, eating a bar of chocolate at seven thirty in the morning the greedy bastard. And she did swear at me. Not sure exactly what she said, her mouth was full of chocolate, but it I'm pretty sure it was high quality.

"Fyafchaaaabawbagfannncnnnnt", it might have been.
"I'm on the cycle path, you psychopath", I shouted back at her.

Then I sped off as fast as I could. The sun beginning to force its way through the morning mist.

An Undergrowth Movement

I think, pretty sure, that they are trying to imply underground. As in secret or subversive.

"Not secret enough", you might say. Before adding, "Anyway, what could possibly be subversive about berry fucking cider?". You'd have a point.

But they actually say undergrowth. As in, well, under growth. Like where berries grow.

I don't know. I suppose it'll just have to be yet another to file under Shit Advertising, Shit Product [1]. If we can be squeeze it in.

[1] of course I haven't tasted it!

World Cup #1

World Cup prediction. England to reach semis. Then, a large image of the Queen to swim into their collective consciousness rendering them utterly flaccid.

Barriers to Learning

Look, there's a big red choo-choo train over there. I want a go on that. I'll probably climb on the roof like they do in China. I might even break up the journey and have a go on that ace blue bike on the way. First, need to get by these swings though. Every instinct in my young body is telling me to go straight. Avoid that girl on the swings. That would be ouchy. But the barrier. the red barrier, it's stopping me from going straight. I'll run through the space quickly. It must be okay. Why else would they put the barrier here. They must know what they're doing. They're professional play-park planners from the council, not numbnut nitwits. I'll do it. They surely wouldn't steer me right into the swi...ARGH, BANG, THUD, OUCH, CRASH. And finally, tears for souvenirs but, luckily, no actual fatalities.

4FM

And then stuck a freshly sharpened pencil deep into each ear causing catastrophic auditory impairment.

Random Acts of Kindness

Wanton Acts of Vandalism would be nearer the mark. Do kids today have no sense of decency and respect for their betters?

Small Problem Health

New Slovakian hairdresser today ...three children, one big two small, husband cheat with bitch, small problem health (points to front-bottom), better now, landlord pervert... spent as much time on grooming my ears, nose and eyebrows as my hair.

This definitely means I'm getting old.

Dry Your Eyes Mate

In the car the other day with the kids. They were fighting in the back like normal. Just generally making noise and not letting me listen to the music which was The Streets, "A Grand Don't Come For Free".

Then the majestic "Dry Your Eyes Mate" came on and we had four minutes and twenty nine seconds of utter, rapt silence. The power of powerful music can be something to behold.

"Put that one on again Dad", the youngest one said. So I did, even in the knowledge that the line "I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now" was about to put their daily "fuck" level up to at least four.

Arses Whilst Eating

It would be lovely to go out for something to eat without having to look at a fat arse all the time. It's a bit off-putting.

Curious George For Piano

In terms of complexity this is on a par with Rachmaninov's third piano concerto.