Free free newspaper

Hats off to BAA who, in these recession hit/credit crunch/bla fucking bla times, are quite literally giving away complimentary free newspapers. With no charge whatsoever.

As any fule who ever picked up The Metro will kno though, there's no such thing as a free newspaper.

FREE Price List

This PERFUME price list is quite literally FREE.

You wonder how they can do it.

Grubby Budget Sweetener

With €4 being spent for every €1 coming in, it's clear that the Irish government are bankrupt.

But, evidently, mere financial bankruptcy isn't enough for them. With Brian Cowen refusing to intervene in the recent clerical abuse revelations (see this Irish Times piece "Cowen shows he is second an Irishman, first a Catholic") it's clear that they're also morally bankrupt.

And now today's budget will, it's widely reported, cut excise duty on alcohol in a bid to stop Irish shoppers from crossing the border to shop. Now I'm not suggesting that this move shows a lack of morality but it raises questions at the very least. With many studies clearly showing a direct link between the price of alcohol and the amount people drink perhaps this knee-jerk move, essentially encouraging supermarkets to expand their use of alcohol as a loss leader, needs a bit more thought.

Personally, I'm all for cheap alcohol (for me at any rate) but I can see the wider picture. This grubby little sweetener ascribes to of a frantic government who will try anything, with scant regard the consequences, to save their dismal, discredited hinds.

Super Furry Animals

One of my favourite bands are Super Furry Animals. I saw them play live a couple of times and I think I purchased, using real money, their first six albums.

But obviously these days I don't buy CD's. I get all my new SFA needs on Spotify. Each time I listen to an album they get .. I dunno, about a cent.

So it's not entirely surprising to see the lads leveraging other revenue streams going forward...

Allez Le Verts

On the radio this morning it was contended that the acid test for being Irish, for those of a certain vintage, was based on a feeling of nostalgic exultation for the following two things:

1. David O'Leary's penalty at Italia '90 against Romania
2. Riverdance at Eurovision '91.

These two events were cited as being catalystic in the new found national confidence and planted the seeds of the Celtic Tiger. So not necessarily a good thing one might argue...

Now I'm not Irish but I do remember O'Leary's penalty fondly. There were a few Celtic players in that team so I followed the Irish with great interest.

As for Riverdance, I'd like to think that if I was Irish I'd despise it even more than I already do. Which is a lot. But I'm a bit leery as to whether this is the prevailing opinion in this state. I've met a few people who've demurred when I've blithely mentioned the utter ghastlyness of the risible Flatley and his ilk. So I don't mention it. At least I know I have Ardal O'Hanlon on my side and that'll do.

Back to the soccerball though. Ireland play France tomorrow night and even though Mcgeady might not play I'm excited about the game. I really hope, er, "we" win and beat the French over two legs. Playing them on a Saturday night is always a good thing. Their collective psyche, I expect, will be more focused on fois gras, red wine and gitanes than any sporting gaiety.

Seriously, pushing the old racism to one side, isn't this an electrifying offer in these (what are we calling it again?) "financially straitened times". In certain pubs, you don't even have to pay four euro for a pint of Heineken. For every goal that Ireland, under the ultra judicious Trapattoni, score you can get a whole euro off a pint!

Flabbergasting! It makes you wonder how they can still turn a profit...

Sale Agreed

The credit crunch is sure biting hard, folks.

Yesterday, I saw this push bike and thought about buying it. Unfortunately, it had gone beyond "under offer" and was now "sale agreed". Pending the actualisation of legal missives and interlocutory nullities it seems like I've missed out on this baby.

Bul-shit

In perhaps the most inspired marketing move of this, the twenty first and final, century Bulmers reduced the alcohol strength of their cider by 1% and added €1 to the price.

And they got away with it. They more than got away with it. They turned a shit product consumed only by alcoholics into a fresh, youthful antidote to Guinness. And the kids loved it. Grown adults loved it too as evidenced by Bulmers outselling Guinness during the summer months [1]. Folks poured it over ice and it felt all spritzy and cool. Not at all like a 'dorty pint'.

But, it hardly needs mentioning, it's still a shit product.

And look at this now. They're bringing the price back down. I'm stunned they didn't mention the 'credit crunch'. As in crunching into an apple. Watch out for it. The fuckers won't miss that trick.

[1] I've done no research here so just pretend I'm telling you this in the pub where what I say has about a 50-50 chance of being true.

Below the minimum allowed

"The amount you have requested is below the minimum allowed"

This from an ATM somewhere in the Blue Mountains. I'd asked for $500. This was "below the minimum allowed". So I asked for $1000. I didn't care. Also "below the minimum allowed".

Next I tried $50,000. By some distance more than I had in my account. Same story. Still not enough for them.

Is it just possible that some numbnuts programmer really meant "above the maximum allowed"?

Mortgage for Life

Here's a quote from Paul McCartney, who generally is fairly laissez-faire viz music piracy, on the news today that illegal file-sharers are getting £120 billion of material for free.

“I think the problem is you get a lot of young bands coming up and some of them aren’t going to last forever so if they have a massive hit, that’s going to pay their mortgage forever and if they don’t see that money, I think that’s a bit of a pity.”

It's a pity then, he's contending, that bands who have a single hit aren't going to get their mortgage paid. Forever. 

This at a time when thousands upon thousands of families are struggling to pay their mortgage this month. What a colossally stupid comment.  

Cowan's Annus Horribilis

And the face isn't much better.

Take The Queen's Shilling?

The chargé d’affaires at the Irish embassy in London, who is in charge of the affairs in that place, was on the radio this morning commenting on job openings for Irish people in the UK. 

He strongly advised potential job seekers not to come to the UK before getting a job. He said it was much better to get one first before arriving. He explained that this could be done over the intanet by searching the particular region you were interested in. In order to search for jobs in that region you didn't actually have to be there. That was the beauty of the intanet, he implied.

With this kind of clear mind is it any wonder he's in charge of all the affairs?

U2 Security Blanket

As U2's new album wraps itself around the nation today, possibly the world, it exudes, within it's bland fibres, a soothing warmth we haven't felt, or needed, for a long time.  Not since the 1980's, the last great economic recession, have we been so ready, desperate even, to embrace the idea of absolute averageness. U2 have always provided this in spades. 

The album even sounds like the 1980's. Bono's soaring, anthemic melodies and meaningless lyrics paired with The Edge's shimmering, shard-like lead-guitar provide a nice, cozy security blanket for the way we live today. The band have taken a few experimental deviations over the years, with border-line catastophic results, but they know better than that now. From now on, I'm sure, they'll stick to what they know best. Their medium is the median.

A well known rock journalist who I can't name for reasons too complicated to explain told me:

"Maybe the moral is, interesting isn't necessarily what the world wants. Maybe it just wants reassurance."

He did this via the medium of Twitter, by necessity, in less that 140 characters.

To borrow a line from the greatest rock band on the planet,

"No alarms and no suprises please"

Morrissey Bends Sinister

Oh Lord! Morrissey was on The One Show tonight. I watched it en famille and took this screenscrape (photo with my phone).

The old contrarian was in predictably unpredictable form. Typically, prime-time tv doesn't do unpredictable and contrary but that's clearly betting without The Boy With A Thorn In His Side.

When he was asked how hard it had been for him to be unemployed in the seventies he refused to play the game. He said that he simply decided not to get a job because he didn't fancy any jobs. It wasn't hard at all.

Then my kids were a bit noisy so I didn't quite hear the next question. I think Adrian Chiles was, for some reason, expressing sympathy for white-collar workers who'd been thrown on the scrapheap after years of success. Morrissey chipped in "Therefore, why sympathise with them?" to a chorus of disapproving studio well-nows. 

As my mate Andy elegantly put it:

Nobody bends sinister quite like Steven Patrick Morrissey.

Gerry's Barber Shop

Just went to Gerry's Barber Shop for, of all things, a haircut. Five of your English pounds.

Despite 25 years in the business Gerry is simply not very good at the old haircutting game. But, crucially, this is reflected in the price. Up with this kind of thing!

On the way back I spotted this van which appears to combine automobile repair with good old fashioned racism.

Hospital Cleaner Story

My Mum told me that the cleaner had worked in the hospital for 42 years. She's 72 now and still going strong.

She always walks in straight lines and God help you if you get in her way. She doesn't like visitors much but seems to thole us somewhat. We were waiting in the corridor last night while my Dad was being prodded and poked at. She walked straightly passed us and we dodged her left and right. Then she turned back and said:

My husband was out for a walk last night. He met a man with a dug.

My Mum and I looked at each other blankly. Perhaps 42 years cleaning the hospital had got the better of her. But she continued:

He asked what the dug was called? 

Blacksmith.

Blacksmith? That's a funny name for a dug. Would he make me a sneck fur ma gate?

If ye keep looking at him like that, he'll make a dart fur yer arse!

Then, off she went, cackling to herself, pushing her trolley along the corridor like a tram.

One Eyed Man

Brown's recent "British Jobs For British Workers" pronouncement seems to have gained plenty traction. I'm sure even Clarkson would get behind the "Scottish idiot" on that one.

Truly, in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king!

More Bad News

It's all unrelenting bad news these days isn't it? You could say unremitting but I said unrelenting and I stand by it.

If it isn't war or the economy, it's the death of folk/jazz/funk legends and it's all bad, bad news. 

We need some good news stories. Something positive to get us through these tenebrous times. That's why when you hear that they're about to make a musical about the life of Marilyn Monroe you put your head in your hands and cry "no more, no more, please...".

Haggip Story

In M&S at lunchtime for to buy some haggip. The boy McGenius, who wishes he was Scotch, came with me.

We both bought two and they were unbelievably cheap (€2.49) considering they contained both pig pancreas and lung.

Pig?

Yea, I know.

We couldn't go through the queue together. That would have been too weird. Genius went first and I let a woman through before me. She was a very nice woman. Here's five reasons why:

1. She put the "next customer" thing behind her stuff for me.
   
2. She, on a whim, bought some (tulip) bulbs.
   
3. She apologised to me for buying the bulbs on a whim (i.e. slowing down the queue).
   
4. She said to me "I couldn't resist them. They remind me of Spring". Nice, huh!
   
5. She didn't insist on getting the exact change from her purse to pay (i.e. slowing down the queue)

She was a big boned woman. One might even say "handsome", at a push. I looked at her and thought:

"Could my nascent idea that people are becoming nicer these days (i.e. with the 'credit crunch' an' all) actually be true?".

Before leaving, she said to me:

"Why don't you buy some bulbs to go with your haggis?".

I laughed loudly, my mind frantically searching for meaning in this unexpected non sequitur. 

We're Irish

"Centra - For The Way We Live Today"

We being?

Thus began (and ended) the first post 'pon this very blog site. I'd named the blog site after the Centra slogan because the pure cheek of it bugged me and, worse, I couldn't get the bloody jingle out ma heid. Why I even bothered created a blog in the first place is an altogether more vexing question.

I'm getting annoyed at advertising again this week. It is indeed the devil's own work generally, that's clear, but sometimes it rises above it's own Satanic standards and does that little bit extra. 

Dunnes Store - "The difference is ... we're Irish"

Is that the only difference?

O'Briens Sandwich Bar - "We're 100% Irish"

What even all your Polish staff?

If in doubt, and in the absence of anything else to say, appeal to people's sense of nationalism. Times are tough, we need to stick together. Look after our own. In these financially straitened times the economic recession card would appear to be a good card to play. There's clearly big money it.

Value Chain

On the radio this morning a union rep was discussing the impending job losses at Dell in Limerick.

He said, "bla bla bla bla ... value chain going forward". 

He finished with "bla bla bla bla ... this is a very sad day indeed for Limerick".

When the unions are starting to sound like management mouthpieces you can't help but agree.