Music for the hard of thinking

Yes, back in the good old days before all the gays stole our pop stars and made them all gay. And with that the innocence of our childhood.

Is that what they're getting at here?

Dame Shirley Bassey

Maconie and Riley, on BBC Radio 2, the other night played the new song by Dame Shirley Bassey "The Girl From Tiger Bay". It's truly a stonking song and somehow Bassey manages to reign in her usual overblown vocal histrionics.

"I bought a ticket of a lifetime, There's no denying who I am"

Well quite.

Marc Riley said, can you imagine if the likes of Paul McCartney released an album under the name of Sir Paul McCartney. He's be absolutely crucified for being a pompous prick. But somehow, Dame Shirley Bassey seems ok.

I tend to disagree. Would be interested to hear the views of some of our Welsh readers. Taff?

Her Calling

On the radio this morning we (the listener) were subjected to a Church of Ireland priest (I believe priest is the right term) who was discussing her calling.

Apparently, God first spoke to her about the matter when she was only 15. He said to her simply, "You could do that". In fact she thought "I could do that" but it was definately God who made her think up the idea. At that time, sadly, women (especially 15 year old ones) weren't allowed into the protestant priesthood but clearly God wasn't aware of that. He didn't leave the matter there though.

Years later, when she had a career in the civil service He called again. This time God had done some proper due diligence. Woman had just been allowed into the church. She didn't give in so easy though. In her own words (which I took off the radio):

"I turned round to God and said look 'I have a brilliant career, with a pension and a company car ... surely I don't have to give it all up!'".

God told her she did. So she did. And she never looked back. Now the delusional old bat tells people about it on the radio.

RE : RE : Time To Relax

More on the United Christian Broadcasters debacle. Can anyone tell me why I'm going to Paraguay?

RE: Time to Relax

From: musters

Sent: 10 June 2009 08:05:21

To: ahaccius@ucb.co.uk

Dear Ann,

Thanks Ann, I will seek them out on my return from Paraguay.

Adios,

Musters

RE: Time to Relax

From: Ann Haccius

Sent: 10 June 2009 08:07:53

To: musters

You're most welcome, Musters

Wow! Paraguay, sounds fascinating. What takes you there???

Buen Viaje!

Ann

RE : Time To Relax

A very kind lady from United Christian Broadcasters replied to (that dick) Muster's email passim.

He'd asked for a copy of a song about Jesus but she told him that she didn't have anything "remotely similar" and then he told her about Irish Summer Time and showed her a picture from his tv to help her find the song. She did find the song but it turned out to be a slow one and not much of a toe-tapper which leaves us wondering, well ... a lot of things.

Here's the whole sorry tale below. Oh God!

FW: Time to Relax

From: Ann Haccius

Sent: 08 June 2009 11:53:58

To: musters

Dear Muster

I've been away for a few days, sorry for the delay in replying.

I have checked our schedule for time you mention, and for the song you describe, but unfortunately am unable to find anything remotely similar . I wonder if you could give me more detail? Where are you living (would it be British Summer Time)? Can you remember the song before or after?

We would love to be able to help you, and are so glad you enjoyed the music and programme. Unfortunately, for reasons of copyright, we are unable to send a copy of the song to you, but if we can trace it, we would be happy to give you details of the album, artist etc. so you could get your own copy.

I look forward to your reply

Ann Haccius

UCB Ireland Co-ordinator

RE: Time to Relax

From: musters

Sent: 09 June 2009 09:26:53

To: ahaccius@ucb.co.uk

Attachments: 1 attachment

ucb.jpg (112.7 KB)

Dear Ann,

Thanks for the reply. The delay was indeed a short one. Three days is as nothing by comparison to usual internet delays!

I'm living in Ireland. I think it's fairly similar to British Summer Time. The weather has been unbearably hot over the past couple of weeks and mercifully we now have some much needed rain which, with it, has brought a lovely coolness to our Home.

I can't really remember much about the songs before or after. I think they also made mention of "Jesus". Or perhaps "God"?

I have attached a picture of my television playing the song at precisely 10:14pm on Thu 4th June 2009. I hope this helps you track it down.

God speed,

Musters

RE: Time to Relax

From: Ann Haccius

Sent: 09 June 2009 17:29:36

To: musters

Hello Musters

Thanks for your help. I will give you the details of 2 songs, the second should have been playing at 10.14, but it's a slow song, and not really toe-tapping. The first may have overlapped the time, so I will give it to you as well:

1. Friend of the Poor, sung by Leeland Mooring and Andy Park, the album 'Compassionart' brought out on the Integrity label 2008

2. The Heart of Worship, sung by Stuart Townend, from the Stoneleigh 1998 album by Kingsway KMCD2520.

This last is the song that should have been playing at 10.14. You may be able to get it on the web, even if it's not from that album as it's a popular worship song.

I hope you are successful.

Every blessing

Ann

Time To Relax

Time to Relax‏

From:	musters
Sent:	05 June 2009 08:13:36
To:	ucb@ucb.ie

Hello There!

My name is Musters and last night I was listening to your superb "Time to Relax" radio broadcast. It was very relaxing indeed and, as our friend Van the Man would have it, I was gettin' healed in the process.

At precisely 10:14pm you played a song which was about "Jesus". The singers repeated His name continually and I'm rather afraid I was also quite taken with the marvelous rhythm and beat of the song. Quite the toe-tapper.

I wondered who the song was by. Was it Cliff Richards?

I pressed the Info button on my remote control and it suggested I should contact you by email for more details. So here I am!

I wondered, would it be terribly impertinent to request a soft-copy of this wonderful song?

Many Thanks and Keep Up The Good Word!

Your faithful listener,

Musters

Gentleman Cheesemaker

And then, later, who else - if not the self-styled Gentleman Cheese-maker his very self -could contrive to make the A-Z of Classic FM Music consist of 100 episodes.

Fucking Genius!!!

A Mighty Rushing Wind

On Sunday morning I woke up, relatively unexpectedly, in the town of Berwick 'pon Tweed. Fortunately I was able to listen to the moveable feast that is Tim Thurston's Gloria and get healed via the gift of satellite tv.

Unusually the show was propelled by Magnificats and a Mighty rushing wind. And none, I insist, the worse for it.

Michael O'Brien

This 'question' on RTE's Questions and Answers is from  Michael O'Brien, a victim of clerical abuse. It's truly remarkable. 

I heard it repeated on the radio yesterday and assumed it was a piece of theatre. It's incredibly articulate and it's patent truth serves as a perfect counterpoint to the mealy-mouthed maundering of some in the Catholic Church. 

Sadly this is not theatre. It's a real life tragedy being played out in Ireland. Shakespeare scholar Bernard Beckerman's generic definition of theatre, however, never seemed more apt.

occurs when one or more persons, isolated in time and/or space, present themselves to another or others

Take it to the Maxi

Maxi is on the radio between 5:30 and 7:00 am weekdays, RTE Radio 1. 

On one or two occasions I've been badly exposed to her early morning MOR banter and music while waiting on the news. Maxi knows best. She's great craic altogether and sure who wants anything heavy at that time o the mornin', she'll tell you.

Her website pompously posits:

"I'm very much aware of the power of music over the body, so I'm careful with the music choice. Nice and easy for the first hour. A little faster after that!"

Music. This is where she truly comes into her own. It's so unerringly awful that you have to think she has some kind of gift. Here's a sample of the 'nice and easy' songs she played earlier today:

Meat Loaf "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)"

Whitney Houston "Greatest Love Of All"

UB40 "Red Red Wine"

Her website goes on:

"So many listeners have their routine in the morning. They expect to hear items such as the sports updates and news and traffic reports at certain times. I'm pleased to bring those regular items to people at the times they expect them."

She's saying here that, like every other single fucking programme on RTE Radio, she's willing to allow sport, news and traffic to her intersperse her dire music and craic. She's quite simply too good to be true this one.

Then, around six thirty, Maxi starts rockin' it out a bit. She's decided it's time for us to wake up now. Smile, it might never happen!!!

Falco "Rock Me Amadeus"

Britney Spears "Lucky"

Huey Lewis "Stuck With You"

But, of all the bothersome things about this thoroughly rankling woman, the worst, by a distance, is her absolute insistence in referring to herself, constantly, in the third person.

"Welcome to Mornin' Time with Maxi"

"And it's Bye from Maxi until Monday - have a FAB weekend"

"bhhhff ... sorry Maxi is eating some toast"

Mind you. If I played music that shit on air I probably pretend I wasn't me either.

Dave Fanning

Monday morning blues. Back to same old same old.

Crap car. Bashed a deck chair into the wing mirror yesterday to add to general shoddiness. The cars behind me now take on a fairground hall of mirrors effect which is good but not right. A bit dangerous to say the least. I dropped my youngest off at nursery and she cried which made me feel more sad.

But then, on the radio. "Dave Fanning is standing in for Ryan Turbidy".

My mood immediately brightened. Dave Fanning is a broadcasting legend. And as such, takes his rightful place, as last minute stand-in for the risible Turbidy. Go Figger, eh.

Stupidly Happy

I just heard on RTE Radio, immediately after it's lunchtime call to prayer, that, according to a recent study, religion makes its adherents happier and healthier on average than those who do not practise religion. 

This study, supported by groups as diverse as the Catholic and Protestant churches, surely cannot be ignored. Apparently, smoking has detrimental effects on health and that's one of the reasons I don't do it. So, now, I think it's time to kick atheism into touch for the good of my health. Why wouldn't I?

Brilliant! So now I believe. Ahhhh. That's better.

I've Never Been To Me

I got the shock of my life at lunchtime.

As usual, I was tuned into RTE radio 1 listening to the amazing Ronan Collins. This presenters' show contains, I think above any other, inexorably awful patter and, if anything, worse music. Collins laughs in the face of mediocrity and heads due South of that place at all times. That's why I love listening to his show. Not for long, you understand, but in, say, 10 minute chunks the experience can be very rewarding indeed.

When I flicked on today all seemed normal. Better than normal. He was playing one of my favourite, bad songs "I've Never Been To Me" by Charlene. You know it?

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete

But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet

I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free

Hey lady......

I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)

But I've never been to me

"Subtle whoring". Brilliant! Extraordinary stuff. I couldn't have hoped for better. 

"Charlene there and I've never been to me ... I haven't been to you either Charlene .. but anyway, beautiful song...", babbled our hero. 

I relaxed into my drive wondering how he could possibly top that song. Then, as mentioned, I got the shock of my life. Predictably, Collins does requests. Of course he does. I may be giving him too much credit for his music choice because he may well do nothing but requests. The credit should really go to his listeners. But one listener, for his birthday, requested a song so hauntingly beautiful that it patently had no place on this show. Here Collins must squarely take the blame. For he was the one who played it. 

"...he'd like me to play, er, White Winter, er, Hymnal by a band from, er, Seattle called the, er, Fleet ...  Foxes", mumbled Collins, clearly on foreign ground.

I was stunned and disappointed. I've never been given to writing into radio shows but, let me tell you, I came very close today. The overwhelmingly melancholic DEEP JOY this song radiates was way out of place here. LUNCHTIME RADIO IS NOT FOR THIS PURPOSE. 

After this he got back on track with a farcical tune by the "English Crooner" Steve Conway but, by then, my mood was utterly ruined.  

Avoid Being Where You Are

The Irish Tourist Assistance Service (ITAS) is a free nationwide service offering support and assistance to tourists who are victimised while visiting Ireland. This victimisation can take many forms from passport theft to exposure to substandard beer (virtually unavoidable) all the way up to physical violence. They are a very worthy organisation indeed and deserve our support.

A woman from ITAS was on RTE Radio this morning talking about the kinds of service they offer. She was asked by the presenter if there were any particular "hotspots" that tourists should be aware of. She answered that there was no particular high risk areas but the crimes, reported to them, tended to occur in the general vicinity of where the tourist was at the time.

Virtually unavoidable, indeed.

Wonderful Radio, Marvellous Radio!

Broadcaster, author, film-critic and all round good-egg, Andrew Collins, writes here in praise of Smooth FM. He argues quite convincingly even though I feel he may be 'taking a position' on the matter. Still, I can see what he means. The 'race of pygmies' that is British music radio today makes Smooth an unlikely contender for music fans.

I've been living in Ireland for some years now and, until recently, I always assumed that Irish music radio was a poor relation to it's British counterpart. I'm quickly becoming disabused of the idea. I've been over in Scotland (which, sadly, is a region of Britain) for a week now (helping out with the quantitative easing) and I'm honestly struggling to find anything, musically speaking, to butter my parsnips with.  

Right now I'm listening to 6 Music. The music is generally alright but the DJ is George Lamb who, complete with fawning, irritating posse, comes over like a latter day Steve Wright. Didn't we get over all this some time ago? Turns out, no. 

Over on Radio 2 in the afternoons we, inexplicably, still have one Steve Wright who, unsurprisingly, comes over like a latter day Steve Fucking Wright. And he's followed by Chris Evans! Are we in some kind of time warp here? What's going on? Other stations I've dipped into and notable for their sheer unrelenting, awfulness include Real Radio and Forth FM. I'm sure these losers pretty much sum up commercial radio for the way we live today. 

I love classical music but I find Radio 3 thoroughly depressing. Is there some kind of Messiaen tie-in here? If not, can't we have something good please? I'd suggest the awesomely uplifting "Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Tallis" by Ralph Vaughan Williams as a start point. So I flick onto Classic FM and there's some bloke called Simon Bates on. Surely it can't be ... [checks]  ... yup, it's the soft-headed, militaristic gobshite himself playing endless Elgar, no doubt. I was even briefly and horribly exposed to the soi-disant Gentleman Cheesemaker, Alex James, one morning on this channel. Actually he was ok but I've taken agin the fringed fop and that's that. 

So much hatred you may say? Well I just need a bit of musical balm in my life at the moment and I'm having to find it for myself. Of course I could listen to Danny Baker (if I lived in London) or Marc Riley or Mark Radcliffe but who wants to be listening to the radio at 8pm when there's perfectly good footy to be watched or beer to be drunk? Not me, mate.

To borrow from Elvis Costello, I need some sound salvation but (British) radio is leaving me overwhelmed with indifference and the promise of an early bed.

Take The Queen's Shilling?

The chargé d’affaires at the Irish embassy in London, who is in charge of the affairs in that place, was on the radio this morning commenting on job openings for Irish people in the UK. 

He strongly advised potential job seekers not to come to the UK before getting a job. He said it was much better to get one first before arriving. He explained that this could be done over the intanet by searching the particular region you were interested in. In order to search for jobs in that region you didn't actually have to be there. That was the beauty of the intanet, he implied.

With this kind of clear mind is it any wonder he's in charge of all the affairs?

Happy Spring, Well Done!

John Spillane, on his album "Will We Be Brilliant Or What?" (answer : No), has a track called "The dance of the cherry trees". I heard it on the radio this morning and it was the most preposterous song I've heard for a very long time indeed.

I've helpfully annotated the lyrics below which will, I hope, clarify some of the more troublesome aspects in play.

Let me tell you 'bout the cherry trees

> Well...

Every April in our town

They put on the most outrageous clothes

> Do you mean cherry blossoms? Not clothes per se...

And they sing and they dance around

Hardly anybody sings or dances

> Perhaps the people are too inhibited these days?

Hardly anybody dances or sings

> ah, you've switched singing and dancing. But why?

In this town that I call my own

>Does anyone else call it your own? Perhaps it's not. You're from Cork, I believe...

You have to hand it to the cherry trees

> you certainly seem to anyway...

And they seem to be saying,

To me anyway;

> you think they might not be saying it to anyone else?

"You know we've travelled all around the Sun

You know it's taken us one whole year

> what's this now?

Well done everyone, Well Done"

> er, thanks

It goes on like this. We have cherry blossoms in the air, on the street, at your feet, even in your hair. And, I think, it's a celebration of Spring we have on our hands here. We've travelled round the sun, it seems, and it's taken us a whole year. And we should be proud of our achievement. The cherry blossoms "seem" to be thanking us. And so is John Spillane for that matter.

Well done everyone, Well Done

On behalf of me

> John Spillane

and the Cherry Trees, Well Done!

> thanks Guys

And they seem to be saying

Is it only to me?;

> No, I is feelin' it too now, Spillane, man.

On behalf of me and the Cherry Trees, Well Done

Well Done Everyone, Well Done

> aw shucks

WELL DONE EVERYONE!

> ok, no need to shout

There's a lot going on here isn't there. I don't think it can be covered adequately on a mere blog. Some kind of PHD study would be more in order. But one point does need to be made. I'm no arborculturalist but I'm pretty sure that a "cherry tree" does not grow "cherry blossoms". I feel sure it grows cherries. If memory serves, it would be the cherry blossom, or Japanese flowering cherry, which blossoms thusly.

Anyway, that's the least of the song's problems so enough of my pedantry. I think it only remains for me, and you too if you'd care to join me, to congratulate John Spillane and his perennially woody muses on their fine work over the year and to wish them a Happy Spring!

Drunken Caledonian Ramblings

After watching Masterchef last night (thank God it's over!), I put the kids to bed, picked up a coupola hundred High School Musical cards which were scattered over the four corners of the living room (six if you count the bay windows), poured myself a bottle Bishop's Finger (as opposed to a finger of Bishop's Bottle) and sat down to listen to the John Martyn interview on the radio. 

To my great, well slight, shame I've been living in Ireland for nearly seven years now and I haven't troubled myself to learn the language. They have certain news programmes in Irish on RTE radio and, whilst I almost never turn them off, I can't understand anything that's being said. But I allow it to drift by incomprehensibly anyway. 

A bit like John's drunken, Caledonian ramblings last night, in fact. If there were any Irish people listening to the interview (and surely there must have been) I think they would have known how I felt. I don't suspect they would have turned off either though.

Danny Baker

"I'm knocked for a loop"

So began Danny Baker's remarkable tribute on Thursday to John Martyn (you can find it here). Baker had just been told the sad news before he went on air. He was audibly shaken and admitted that he felt like just going home.

He didn't have any John Martyn cd's with him so he sent someone down to HMV to get some. Whilst we waited he played some Nick Drake and told us how he didn't normally play John Martyn as his music was simply "too personal", "too good".

The entire show was given over to John Martyn, the man and his music. It was an extraordinarily moving two hour tribute. All the more so given that it was totally off the cuff.

Baker once again proved what a towering broadcaster (as opposed to a broadcasting tower) he is. You have to wonder why he's working for BBC Radio London, rather than one of the main BBC stations. He certainly should be. Possibly it's for precisely the same reasons that he rarely played any John Martyn on his radio shows. He's simply too good. 

Baker kept saying he "was knocked for a loop" (did he invent that phrase especially for the occasion?). He admired Martyn's indefatigable spirit. He'd never met him. Never wanted to. Never meet your heroes. He thought the man was unsinkable. He couldn't believe he'd been sunk. That one of the great immortals was dead. 

Going Forward

Thankfully, most sensible people have stopped saying "going forward". It took a while for this irritating neologism to fall out of favour but I think we're nearly there.

People still want to say it. You can feel it coming as they babble bullshitishly but usually they can just about check themselves and say "in the future" instead.

Unfortunately, though, we now have everyone saying "in the future", unnecessarily, when it's patently obvious what the tense is.