Clouds

Three years ago Michela L went up to her internet and asked it the following question.
I wonder how she is these days.

ATM Stalemate

Yes, I'd like a hundred euro please.
No, it's not incorrect.
No, I don't want to correct it.
Dum de dum di dum...

Bellababy

I suppose we must assume that if the good people at "bellababy.ie" have gone to all the trouble of getting an expensive sign made up, they must mean what they say on it. So, in that spirit let me commend them fully to you for all your baby shopping needs. For they truly are:

Baby Shopping at it is very best!

Pommelling

I always feel that if you're going to be not funny you'd be as well, at the very least, making some sense whilst doing it. This, from the otherwise excellent Old Green Tree public house in Bath, being an attempt to warn off potential smokers whilst being lighthearted and jovial at the same time. Some people I'm sure will find this hilarious. Predictably, I am simply bound to point out the following defects:

1. a pommel is the upper front part of a saddle; a saddlebow. I've no idea what pommelling means.
2. subconsciousness is a state not immediately available to your conscious mind in which you fancy your sister, hose down an elephant and run through the office naked. Generally worth avoiding.

Spacial Advantage

Back to St Neots museum and the display celebrating the town's sporting achievements through the ages. Slim pickings here although amongst pictures of local kids almost made good ("Geoff was once described as the best under-23 right back, outside the senior leagues, in the whole of East Anglia") we find this half-baked biography of "current Aston Villa manager" John Gregory who was, at least, a bit successful. For a while.

Let's ignore the claim that John was born in 1941 (he was born in 1954), the bit that made us laugh is in the second last paragraph.

"He was always aware of the pattern of the game and by cleverly distributing the ball created spatial advantage".

Spacial advantage! Yes we used to say precisely that about Paul Mcstay in the Jungle back in the old says. This was obviously written, in the absence of anyone who knew anything whatsoever about football, by an academic curator type. Almost certainly a woman to boot. No offence.

Parker Close

With no thanks whatsoever to Tommy TomTom our hapless Sat Nav who shat out directions randomly, zig-zagging us hither and thither o'er Merrie Olde England, we finally reach our destination.

"At last", said my wife. "Parker Close"
"I'll do my best", I replied.

Ah, we get through a few scrapes.

QUICK - Horse Box

Far be it from me to comment on the ways of the countryside but in this observer's opinion a QUICK turn is one of the very last things a vehicle trailing a horse box should attempt.

A Fruity Cummerbund

Sitting in the garden with the eldest. It's hot and windy.

Me: How you getting on with "The Inimitable Jeeves"?
Her: Good.
Me: It's good, not too old for you?
Her: No, it's funny.

Ten minutes later.

Her: Dad, what's a cummerbund?
Me: Er, it's a kind of thing that men put round their waists. In the olden times.
Her: Oh. What's fruity then?
Me: Fruity ... it's like bold, cheeky.
Her: Oh. A cheeky thing you wear round your waist, then?
Me: Yes, exactly. Very cheeky.

Portable Telephones

I was just about to get it out of the carrying case when I spotted this sign. It probably interferes with the X-Ray machines.

Drive-In Cleaners

One can only suppose that by "DRIVE-IN" they mean "PARK-OUTSIDE".

Random Acts of Kindness

Wanton Acts of Vandalism would be nearer the mark. Do kids today have no sense of decency and respect for their betters?

Small Problem Health

New Slovakian hairdresser today ...three children, one big two small, husband cheat with bitch, small problem health (points to front-bottom), better now, landlord pervert... spent as much time on grooming my ears, nose and eyebrows as my hair.

This definitely means I'm getting old.

Naggins

Wow, it's Huzzar again, whatever it is. And it's only €4.99 a bottle. But you can't just choose any size. You have to buy a "naggin", which is a quarter bottle, in new money.

One of the many benefits of being an alcoholic.

?!

Sorry, assholes, but you already finished the sentence with a question mark. It's too late for the try-hard exclamation mark!

The Kitchen Of Aestheticism

Expert.
Of.
Beautiful.
Kitchen.
Disware.

You
Feel.
In.
The.
Kitchen.
Of.
Aestheticism.

Top Tip for Transexuals

Future transexuals, don't spend money on expensive operations. Just read this.

It's a Drum'n'Bass Ting

What is it?
Why it's a drum'n' bass ting, of course.
Sounds awesome. Even to me, 42.

WHISKI

There are two acceptable ways to spell the alcoholic beverage distilled from fermented grain mash.

Whisky and, to a decidedly lesser extent, whiskey. This is wank of the first order.

Christ Jesus

If "Christ Jesus" ever does come back I'm guessing he'll avoid this fucking tip like the plague.

Going Forward

It's one thing using the term "going forward" to mean "in the future". People actually still say this. However, I've noticed another worrying use of this thoroughly depressing neologism.

Football commentators, rather than saying "in attack", are now rather fond of saying "going forward". Perhaps I'm being over sensitive here. Maybe they've always said this.

Have they?