Predictive Text 2

Does my phone really believe that the rabbit recipe I'm cooking would be calling for "vizo?".

What kind of cheap shit phone would be unaware of something so simple as a sprig of thyme?

CD collection

I was just in the house of the finest fiddler in Ireland.

He played me some bizarre C&W sean-nós album on which he played the bouzouki. When he went to make some tea I took a look at his CD collection.

Guess what! Here's a secret...

(It was really, really bad)

I saw a Shania Twain and an Eva Cassidy and, at that, I looked no more for fear of what I might find.

I left as grateful as I've ever been that I'm utterly devoid of musical talent.

Wee Car

Returning from yet another disastrous assignation (15 grand!) this morning I saw this wee car. 

It was tiny and spooky and I didn't know what it wanted. It surveyed me with a quiet, leering menace. I felt weak and faint and woozy.

I quit that place with haste but was slowed down by (the need to take) this picture.

Fordlandia

I would happily have bought Johan Jóhannsson's superb new album for the opening and closing tracks alone.

Fordlandia and How We Left Fordlandia run for 13:43 and 15:25, respectively, and are truly things of rare beauty.

In between those two abstract, symphonic masterpieces we have melodias i to iv which finally build into the final triumphant Melodia in which we are offered Guidelines For Space Propulsion, no less. 

As if that wasn't enough we are also treated to a chimeric, ariel view of that vast, untamed wilderness of Fordlandia before learning that, finally, The Great God Pan is Dead. 

Hurray!

I imagined Fordlandia might be a reference to the landscape of Jóhannsson's native Iceland but, in fact, it relates to Henry Ford who, in the 1920's, purchased vast tracts of land in Brazil with the intention of manufacturing rubber and, thus, cutting out the middle man and increasing profits. 

The plan was, predictably, a disaster not least because Ford didn't know what the hell he was doing and tried to enforce US prohibitionist ideology on Brazilian peasant workers who enjoyed a pint and a fag. 

The final straw came when Ford tried to make them eat hamburgers. The workers were revolted by these beef patties and they literally revolted, chasing their bosses into the jungle where they were eaten by tigers and pecked by enormous pachyglossal parrots. 

So listening to this extraordinary music don't think of glacial fjords or gabbroic geysers think of spare engine parts and the smell of rotten rubber in a decaying Amazonian hinterland. 

Actually think of what you want, only listen to the music. If you like it you might try it's predecessor, IBM 1401 - A User's Manual, which, more predictably, is about an IBM 1401 User's Manual. 

John Kelly

McGenius skyped me yesterday thusly,

[11/11/2008 12:58:02] 

McGenius says: Hey, John Kelly - you read his novel?

I had read it not. I'm a big fan of John Kelly's radio show but I didn't even know he'd written a novel.

I deliberately kept him waiting before lying,

[11/11/2008 13:02:28] 

Musters says: I've been meaning to get it for a while now.

[11/11/2008 13:02:34] 

McGenius says: S'on my desk if you'd like

I was over at his desk at [11/11/2008 13:02:42]

Yes I got there in 8 seconds. Lickety-split.

The book is called Sophisticated Boom Boom and, like all Kelly's work, I heartily recommend it to you. Yes I have it read already. I devoured it, meaning I read it quickly, not ate it, by [12/11/2008 13:02:42]. In less than 24 hours. 

Saying John Kelly is a DJ is a bit like saying Leonard Cohen is a singer. It doesn't even begin to tell the whole story. Listening to his afternoon show on RTE's Lyric FM will offer you an aural experience nonpareil. He'll take you from Bach to Aphex Twin through Wayne Shorter, Toumani Diabate and Orlando Gibbons back to Sigur Ros and Elbow before you know what's hit you. 

There truly is no better musical arbiter in whom to trust your your listening pleasure. Even a dinner party chez (woops) Musters would be unlikely to throw up such outrageously good taste.

His book shows, through the character's childhood experiences in Fermanagh, how Kelly's love of music developed and how in the most mundane surroundings music retained the power to uplift and inspire. All sorts of music. He just missed out on Punk and the Pistols but found solace and salvation in Horslips and Handel instead. 

I won't say much more about the book primarily because I'm fibbing when I say I've read it already. I didn't get where I am today by reading books before reviewing them.

Children in Need

Children in Need, this year, is hosted by Terry Wogan, Tess Daly and Fearne Cotton. It's also jam packed with pop star performances, while the cast of EastEnders turn into "West Enders" for the night and The Bill pop on suits and shades to become the Blues Brothers. BBC newsreaders will be humiliating themselves for our entertainment and the biggest stars of stage and screen will entertain us in their own inimitable way. 

I'm all for giving money to children in need. I can think of no other flavour of children I'd like to give to more. 

To quote my dear Mum "I'm a Mcghee no a McTack". 

She is, admittedly, referring to herself but I also like to think of myself as a Mcghee. The electoral register, however, strongly disagrees with my analysis.

Anyway, the BBC website encourages us to give generously despite, as they put it, the "credit crunch". I do wish people would stop bandying that term willy-nilly. I mean to say, do people really borrow money in order to give to charity? It would surely be an unusual state of affairs.

I will give to children in need. It's clearly a very worthy cause. If, however, you think I'm wasting my Friday night watching that shite you have another thing coming.

Berenstain Bears

The Berenstain Bears are a family of bears. A Mum and Dad, a Sister and Brother.

They live somewhere deep in bear country. They're kind of furry round the torso. Like people, only more so.

My kids love them and I don't hate them. It doesn't get much better than that.

The episode we watched was about a lighthouse keeper who was a ghost A green one. But really he wasn't. He was just a lighthouse keeper pretending to be a green ghost. 

Why green? 

That's not important.

Anyway, the bears sussed him out pretty quickly and saved the day by turning the lighthouse into a tourist attraction.

Sadly it wasn't the episode pictured.

Rob Bryden

The One Show is good. Well quite good anyway. As I may have mentioned.

But you don't always get the quality of guest you get when Rob Bryden is on the couch. We did tonight for he was on it (the couch). 

There was a typically dull feature about a proposed compulsory DNA database with the usual arguments to and fro. Then back to Bryden on't couch who was asked what he thought of it.

He described it as a great idea and a genuine force for good that everyone should get behind. Before adding, 

"But I'm not in favour of it".

"Why not?", asked Chiles.

"I'd rather not say", he replied.

He continued,

"People say, if you haven't done anything wrong, you've nothing to be afraid of"

[pause]

"Which is another reason why I'm against it".

Brilliant! 

Then we jumped into bed and watched the Berenstain Bears. 

Scottish Football

I wish Irish people would stop picking on me about Scottish football. 

Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

They're being beastly unkind.

Ok, we don't have a big, fancy-shmancy league in Scotland like the English league they have over here in Ireland, but we're only a small country.

We're doing the best we can for Goodness Sake!

Louis Walsh

Louis Walsh, 56, is an expert talent spotter.

You might think you know talent but Louis, who is Irish, actually knows he knows it.  

So don't try to gainsay him. Just shut up. 

You may really enjoy a particular tune but you know nothing ... nothing about vocal stylings, pre-choruses, modulation of major and minor keys or even something so simple as how to create a bridge. 

Louis knows all this by heart and has done since he was in his late forties.