Bono Blocked

Yes I do still want to block this person. We be not be cool!

Private Meeting

Have you ever seen a more witless, depressing sign that this?

Very much redolent of The Way We Live Today.

Norah, Quincy and Ravi

Turns out that Norah Jones is Jazz [1].

Just like Quincy Jones who isn't her Dad. Her Dad, of course, is Ravi Shankar who certainly isn't Jazz. He's probably Sitar should such a category exist.

[1] she isn't.

bird gang that is attractive for a nest hates

One frame later we have Honest Abe vehemently disagreeing with Caesar's analysis.

Fungus Lusts For Blood

Now and again (not very often), in our house, we don't bother having Night At The Museum on the telly.

During these fallow periods we tend towards Night At The Museum 2 instead. It's a rich and varied diet.

When I took this picture off the telly it so happened that we were watching the sequel. And Julius Caesar was proclaiming, as you can well see, "clue gang call me that at a fungus lusts for blood".

Strong words indeed.

Luggage Charges

This threw me a loop somewhat.

My flight to Paris was not at all like this [1]. It was disagreeable but quite unexciting. The ticket seemed very cheap until they weighed my luggage and got me to understand how much there was to pay. Then I wished I was going by train.

Evelyn Waugh, 1930.

As the good people at Ryan Air might say, should they stumble across this quote, Plus ce change plus ce la meme chose.

[1] this being 'if the Protestant God had asserted supremacy in a fine Old Testament manner'. Don't ask.

Boy A

Watching the brilliant, compelling Boy A film on the flight home last night, during a period of unexampled personal airplane sobriety, I got an idea. I got it from the film and it's this. To go clubbing.

And quite possibly dancing but this is not definite. I just really wanted to be somewhere with banging music. Is it possible to go to clubs where they don't just have thumping techno? I suppose it must be. I have some kind of Samba-Calypso-Electronic fusion in mind. That can be decided later but it has to be very loud. And I'll want strobes and happy, sweaty, beautiful people on acid.

It's quite an incredible movie and, is my wont, I cried many a manly tear.

Then I thought that this idea of not drinking on the plane is way ahead of it's time and should not be repeated.

Clubbing! At my age.

Too much!

I'm told that the health benefits of drinking three litres of water a day are incredible. It helps you lose weight and just generally flushes you out and makes you feel fresh as newly laid concrete. I'm trying it from today.

Of course too much water is bad for you. If you drink too much water you can quite literally drown apparently.

Too much of anything if bad for you. The clue is in the use of the words "too much" you idiot.

The Gowf

Just got back from the gowf with, friend of this parish, Damian.

Beautiful day and we were both peppering flags with beautifully flighted approaches willy-nilly.

Damian had a hole-in-one the other week and nearly repeated the feat again. At a par three this is a mere two under par. An eagle. Hardly seems enough. Three under is an albatross.

We also had a duck.

Play Now! My Lord.

All I did was look up some Randy Newman lyrics.

Looking up Randy Newman lyrics clearly involve typing the word 'Randy'. So perhaps I only have myself to blame.

Play Now!

My Lord.

Never. Has religion felt so damnably sexy!

Old Twitchy

It seems that Patrick Vieira, a fine midfielder in his day, may be about the join Spurs.

This will obviously cause some controversy as Vieira used to play for Arsenal. But that was a while ago and since then he has, as far as we know, not killed anyone.

This theory was backed up today by Harry Redknapp. Old Twitchy said:

"He hasn't killed anyone, he's just a great player who played for Arsenal."

My Lord!

She's not without breasts. She's very attractive. And she's telling me to start my journey. And she's calling me 'My Lord'.

My Lord!

Then 'Play'.

And finally. 'Unnoticeable Now!'.

My Lord!

Best Tasting Vodka

Here's tonight. I was back in the Butcher's Grill, this time, chomping 'pon some Impala.

There's some points to be made about this picture. I'm not sure how many but, later, I'll click on the numbered list button and then we'll know for sure .

1. I have five (6) waiters waiting on me.
2. They're sharing a joke.
3. The guy, forefront, is holding up his fingers, presumably, to indicate a tiny Caucasian penis.
4. There's a advertisement for Grey Goose Vodka.
5. The quality of the picture is very bad indeed.
6. Grey Goose Vodka claim to be the 'Best Tasting Vodka'
7. This is very important. More so, perhaps, in a drink.
8. I was laughing too. Equally heartily. Waugh had wrote...

Everybody else, how-ever, was there except little Lord Tangent, whose foot was being amputated at a local nursing-home.

Eight!

DECLINE and FALL

I was at the bar earlier reading DECLINE and FALL.

Chuckling over the line:

"Am I going to die?" said Tangent, his mouth of cake.

But it could equally have been any other line. I put down the book to sip my beer and contemplate Waugh's brilliant audacity.

Immediately, a black man appeared as if from nowhere. I mention he was black merely to add colour to the story. He said,

"Don't put book down. They steal it".

I told him that I thought it unlikely.

He explained,

"Some man he Australian leave down wallet in his pocket on the table. Next minute it is stealen".

"In his pocket? On the table?", I smart-arsed.

He ignored me.

"I me good judge just by looking. Always I tell good man and bad man".

"Always?", I asked.

"Sometimes it's 50-50", he admitted.

He walked away after that. I think he knew it was going nowhere.

BBC 'Entertainment'

Last night I was, as my youngest daughter once memorably put it, two hundred percent under the weather. I'll spare you the details but, suffice to say, I was lying in bed unable to do anything except look at the television which was on the 'BBC Entertainment' channel.

When I was younger I used to quite happily watch all manner of BBC drama. Nowadays I find it unremittingly awful. Last night was no exception.

We started with Ashes to Ashes which promisingly starred my old school mate, Keeley Hawes. Sadly, I have to report that, stunning as she looked, she was flippin' awful in this absurd police drama with it's annoying habit of shoehorning irrelevant eighties references into the dialogue. Yes we know it's the bloody eighties just by looking at your stupid clothes. This show was unbelievably badly plotted and written and when it was finished I was at least another hundred percent under the weather.

Next up, Mistresses which was supposed to be sexy. It's not sexy. It's just plain silly. The entire episode was basically a build up towards a sex scene with each of the four female protagonists. Not together but with separate men, you understand. And the sex scenes had barely any sex in them. So my advice would be to forget the turgid build up and just fill the entire show full of long and explicit sex scenes. Just an idea.

Last was New Tricks at which, fortunately, I quickly became fast asleep. Before I dozed off it had showed definite signs of being, amongst staggeringly stiff competition, the worst show of a very enlightening, bed-bound evening.

Am I to believe they actually broadcast this shite on British television?

Ice in Urinals

In the famous Butcher's Grill they fill the urinals full of ice. A point on this. Adding ice to urinals is only hygienic if you don't touch it.

The urinals in question were relatively low. A short man might find it difficult to avoid contact with the ice. Especially if he was in possession of a large penis.

...I'm not talking about me here by the way...

Last night I was joined at the urinals by a short man with a large penis. I could tell he was short by looking at him. He informed me that he had a large penis.

...I didn't look...

"This fucking ice. They don't think of short guys with big dicks. I'm struggling here to keep it off the fucking ice". He said.

I looked at him. "Ice is only hygienic if you don't touch it", I said.

Finding Nemo

Staggeringly there was not a single mention of Finding Nemo on Wikipedia's page about Clown Fish. I was only too happy to put that right.

Clownfish are almost always referred to as "Nemo" when being viewed in the aquarium. Some people believe this to be an abbreviation of "anemone" but a more likely explanation is that it is in reference to the well known animated film "Finding Nemo".

Union Jacks

I'll admit that I struggled a bit with the number of union jacks on display in Australia. They're mad for them. Very, very proud to be English they are.

But they don't mean any harm by it. It's honestly not a symbol of hatred like it is the UK.

See, even the chairs are made of union jacks.

Pesky Abo's

Some "pesky abo's" hanging about in a children's playground.

Coopers Ale

I started on Toohey's New which is a more than decent beer. This gave me precisely the hangover I deserved every time. That's really all I ask.

The Old (pictured above) is a different kettle of fish entirely and, frankly, after a promising start at the 19th hole one day, I fear I must report that I found it virtually unpotable. (I'd had similar problems at the previous 18 to tell you the truth).

But on the second week I got down to business and settled into the mighty, mighty Coopaz. Original Pale Ale is pictured but massive respect also to the Sparkling Ale which would certainly have featured more heavily were it not for its strength and the fact that I was drinking a dozen bottles a day.

Which, of course, to most male Aussies is, quite literally, small beer.

Gentleman Cheesemaker

Did I mention how much I enjoyed Sebastian Barry's towering Secret Scripture on holiday?

Rowntree's Randoms

These days, if you're not loaded up onto the intanet, you're nothing. You don't have a hope. This is especially true of sweets and that's why we find that Rowntree's Randoms have their own Facebook page.

Uri Geller

Arguably, with the passing of Michael Jackson, the world has lost a relatively talented artist.

But with every cloud comes a silver lining.

The cloud, of course, is Jackson's brutal homicide. But the silver lining comes in the form of that great bender, Uri Gellar. Heretofore, his career as professional former friend of Jacko was very much on the decline. But, strangely enough, since Jackson's murder their friendship and, of course, his career seems to be very much back on. So that's nice.

John Hartson

I'm thinking about John Hartson. I don't know the big man but he feels like a mate anyway.

Here's what Lance Armstrong said earlier,

My thoughts go out to John Hartson. Livestrong, John! We're pulling for you! Folks, hold him in your thoughts and prayers please.

about 18 hours ago from UberTwitter

Island Records

This year U2 Island Records Frankie Goes to Hollywood celebrate their Grace Jones 50 year Robert Palmer anniversary and The Christians , truly, haven't The B-52's they put Keane out an Sugababes awful load The Fratellis of old Joe Cocker.

82% Hetero

According to the good people at www.stockholmpride.org/howhetero/, who were good enough to analyse my "twitter feed", I am 82% hetero.

musters is 82% Hetero

Seems on the high side but I'll take it.

Muster's Australian Experience

Under the circumstances, and in the spirit of international relations, I was able to forgive them the missing 'S'.

cHeeky love

Another vineyard, another nutter being controlled by the moon.

I wenta this away with all haste.

-> -> -> -> ->

Winter Solstace

In a vineyard in the Hunter Valley on the shortest day of the year. Some mentalist pagans were offering "Smudge & Psychic Aura Readings" for a mere $10.

I mooched up and took this photo. I was trying to ignore the crazy-eyed moon people who wanted to steal my money. They, on the other hand, were trying not to ignore me. They were doing this by speaking to me.

It's okay I told them. I'm only taking pictures.

Below the minimum allowed

"The amount you have requested is below the minimum allowed"

This from an ATM somewhere in the Blue Mountains. I'd asked for $500. This was "below the minimum allowed". So I asked for $1000. I didn't care. Also "below the minimum allowed".

Next I tried $50,000. By some distance more than I had in my account. Same story. Still not enough for them.

Is it just possible that some numbnuts programmer really meant "above the maximum allowed"?

Blue Cattle Dog

Presumably one or the other be cool?

Catastrophe Waitress

For some reason, in a Hong Kong restaurant , the waitress poured my beer into the finger bowl. I didn't want to embarrass her so I said nothing. I just accepted the situation and began drinking.

Then, when she realised her school-girl error, in a misguided attempt to recover the situation, she placed a roll of toilet paper on the table. Presumably to wipe my fingers with.

T-Shirt 2

This is an odd one. When should it be worn? Do you have to remove it if someone you don't know (or like) walks into the room?

T-Shirt

But I don't give a flying fuck about your God.

Young Chickens

In Hong Kong we tried this local delicacy.

They're young chickens is what they are.

Ricky Valance

This from a local club in the inigma that is St Neots.

Is Ricky Valance just a generic name for club acts? Or is the Ricky Valance of "Tell Laura I Love Her" fame?

Celtic TV

Wahey!!! Celtic TV is still available on Setanta.

Wahoo!!! Celtic TV is now fucking motor racing.

Tupperware Parties

Some people, God Bless 'Em, will simply take leftover food and pile it, on a plate, into the fridge. Plates, as any fule kno, are not in the least well suited to the Frigidaire. They simply turn that place into an unmanageable cold mess. They don't fit on top of each other and that becomes very problematic indeed.

This is why Tupperware is, and will continue to be, a good friend to me. It may be deeply unfashionable but Tupperware is cool. In the unlikely event that I ever get invited to a Tupperware party then let me say this. Yes please.

The Good Drying Day

Today, despite the jet-lag and a sometimes overwhelming sense of return-to-work'ed-blues-ess-ness, I was able, quite literally, and four loads later, to fully appreciate the understated beauty of a good drying day. Not most men know this.

John Byrne, formerly a MBE

John Byrne, the artist and author, recently returned his MBE to ... the Queen, presumably, in protest of the British involvement in the Iraq war. He said he would have returned it sooner but he'd lost it under a "pile of stuff".

I'm assuming that John Byrne, who is Scottish, is no longer proud to be British. I guess it don't matter too much how you get there.

HydrO

The HydrO is a big fuck-off power plant which casts an awful shadow over a rather nice neighbourhood in a town called St Neots. That place is peopled by some of the friendliest, er, people I've ever met.

Whilst returning from Tesco carrying 6 bottles of Weston's Organic Cider (a pinch at a pound a bottle, 3 for the price of 2) a woman, a complete stranger, not only said hello but also said "Ahhh barbecue" to me in, borderline orgasmic, appreciation of the wonderful smell wafting from a nearby garden. I was much moved by her work.

But this HyrdO place is damned ugly. Even branding it with an unlikely uppercase 'O' can't change that fact. Good try though.

Bankok airport reflections

Timeline : 22:45

Thailand. Bankok airport.

Flight delayed. Massively so. Everything seems strangely reflective except me. I'm living precisely in the present and the future is as muddy and grey as the Chao Phraya. The past is nearly yesterday already. Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm in mourning for the passing of my holidays.

All I can think of is:

You say pyjamas, I say pytracksuit.

Cold Soup

At the museum today we got some soup. This was in the canteen and played no part of the exhibit.

I tasted it and it was lukewarm. I took it back and told the guy it was cold.

He said, "Is it stone cold".

I looked at him. I got up really close like Larry David does in Curb. I looked at him right in the eyes. He held my stare.

"It's cold enough that I would mention it", I told him.

No More I Love Youse

Like the Scots, the Aussies use the term "youse" as the plural of "you".

"What did youse get at the last hole?".

I always used to think that song by Annie Lennox "No More I Love You's" was about her telling a group of men that she didn't love them any more. I always used to think that until I thought about it the other day and decided not to think that any more.

Cricketer's Arms

Just about to head out to the famous Cricketer's Arms for the hair of the dog that bit me.

After that we will head out to a piercing 'studio' wherein I will have a sleeper inserted into the top part of my ear. I don't know what it's called. If I get very drunk I may even choose to get the gay (right) ear pierced. All very exciting.

My cousin's mate is called Bolt 'cos he got a bolt inserted into his penis. It must be a sex thing. He's got a son called Nut, I'm given to believe.

Nick Cave

I've travelled all over his big country. Well from Sydney up to Cairns anyway.

I've seen sea turtles, dugongs, sharks and some types of fish that looked so weird they must have been alcohol induced. Today I saw old man who lived in a cave above the remarkable Bondi beach and smelled of shit. I saw a whale today spouting enormously whilst drinking Coopers Sparkling Ale at the famous Iceberg club.

It's been an amazing trip and sadly it's coming to end. So far though, I've never met an Australian who has heard of Nick Cave. That's my ambition.