Leviathan or, The Whale

I'm reading Philip Hoare's towering "Leviathan or, The Whale".

One of the points he makes is that the 20th century was bookended by a monumental shift in attitude towards those endlessly fascinating and beautiful cetaceans. In short we went from killing whales for meat and fuel to watching them for enjoyment and study.

This shift in attitude appears to have been all too subtle for my parents who, on their visits to Boston at the beginning of this century, always insisted on their "whaling" expeditions. They went out "whaling" on a couple of occasions and enjoyed the trip immensely but always came back with nothing more than a few pamphlets. I can only assume that the spoilsport tourist boats made them leave their harpoon guns at the jetty.

Dog Crap

It's cold and snowy here where I am. This weather always makes me think of that great Louden Wainwright song that goes:

“I took my dog for a walk, she took a crap / You won’t smell it until April or May"

I was actually singing those lyrics to myself earlier today and staring out to sea at the bottom of my brother's garden while watching a dog take a crap on the beach. I heard myself say to the dog's owner:

"You won't smell that til April". "Or May".

She looked at me silently with eyes as empty as a fifteen minute old pint of Deuchars IPA before hurriedly walking away. Clearly embarrassed.

Perhaps she thought I was telling her off for allowing her dog to shit on a public beach at the bottom of my brother's garden. More likely though, she just wasn't all that comfortable discussing faeces with complete strangers.

Retail Concept

Main Entry: re·tail
Pronunciation: \?re-tail
Function: verb
Date: 15th century
transitive verb

1 : to sell in small quantities directly to the ultimate consumer

Born in Galway

You go in and pick out something you like. You buy it. They sell it to you.

It's not a new concept in retail.

Midge Yeurch

Midge Ure, betting without the current prime minister of England, is clearly the Worstest Living Scotsman.

Here he is, on the normally reliable Sky Arts, performing some of his "hits" including the "classic" Vienna.

What a fucking helmet.

FREE Price List

This PERFUME price list is quite literally FREE.

You wonder how they can do it.

A Child's Christmas in Wales

My favourite Christmas song is John Cale's "A Child's Christmas in Wales" which tends to hold on by a short head from Chris Rea's utterly timeless "Driving Home For Christmas" (seriously).

But Cale's masterpiece isn't really a Christmas song banging on, as it does, about Halloween and murdered oranges and the seduction of doors. Bizarre, unfathomable and utterly beautiful.

With mistletoe and candle green
To Halloween we go
Ten murdered oranges bled on board ship
Lends comedy to shame
The cattle graze bold uprightly
Seducing down the door
To saddle swords and meeting place
We have no place to go

Stick it on between Ella and Eartha during the Christmas meal and frighten the life out the relatives.

Guinness Fire

The fire in the Guinness factory was reputedly caused during testing of a new chemical compound (E1fK-99) that they had literally invented yesterday. The compound was expected to make a pint entirely drinkable a full 15 minutes after the second pour. The Guinness beer scientists had also hoped to increase the mandatory period between the first and second pour from 119.53 all the way to 119.57 pub seconds.

A Guinness spokesman told me this morning that this setback would not diminish the corporations continued focus on improving revenue streams going forward.

If you don't believe me read about it here.

Update
Sadly, at 13:08 today, this fact ceased to be true when one ChaoticFluffy removed it from Wikipedia on the outrageous grounds that it was "unlikely and uncited".

Real ale in Galway

Talking of pulling one off here's some spectacularly good news. Galway only has real ale.
I ordered a pint. Mt first pint of real ale in this free state. What a moment. I'd waited years for this.

Only. It wasn't very, er, good.

Le Paradis Club

This is Galway's "Le Paradis Club". This is French for "The Paradise Club".

Actually the French for "The Paradise Club" is "Le Club Paradis".

But, presumably they didn't know that. So they called it "Le Paradis Club".

I've never been in.

MACE

Advertising is a recurring theme on this. It confuses and confounds me equally at every turn.,

We started out with Centra's none more abrading "For The Way We Live Today". Centra is one of these expensive grocery shops that's close to you. You only go there when you've forgotten something or need to pick up some milk on the way home. This, apparently is how WE live today. That's what they're for.

And now there's a big advertising campaign on the radio for Centra's competitor MACE. For the little things you'll always forget especially at this time of year. But what's the point in advertising? If a MACE happens to be down the road from you you're hardly likely to bypass it, for that overlooked jar of Xmas mussels, and head to Centra "For The Way We Live Today" instead. Are you?

As it happens I physically needed some MACE for some pate I'm making. So I phoned up MACE. Ironically they had none.

(call may have been taped for quality assurance and training purposes)

Angry Catholics

Back to Murphy Report. I keep hearing, on RTE Radio no less, how angry catholics are about the recent revelations involving clergy.

I myself, thanks be to God, am neither a catholic nor anything else but, for the avoidance of doubt, can I just say that I'm quite fucking angry about it as well.

That's it.

The XX

The XX are Dubstep. Or possibly Ultra Dub. Or something.

I don't know much about music (I don't even know what I like) but, watching The XX play last made me think that there's a lot to be said for a musical education (not always a good thing in this observer's view). These kids though from the same stable as the equally excellent Four Tet, Hot Chip and Burial were magic. The precise, impassive, understated vocal interplay of the two singers coupled with a relentless (and I mean relentless) baseline were very cool and sexy indeed (and I certainly don't know nothing about cool and sexy).

Now that the term "X-Factor" has been forever debased by Simon Powell and his shit-eating cohorts it's time to up the ante. Step aside, turkeys, here comes the real talent.

It's The XX Factor.

Margo - A Toast From An Irish Colleen

One of the biggest regrets of my life thus far is not buying this record on Sunday.

It would have cost me a mere 50c and if I could time-travel back to any point in our civilisation's rich and glorious history it would be to the School Fair, Kilcolgan, County Galway, Ireland, Sunday, 1pm. And I'd buy this record.

It's by Margo and it's called A Toast From An Irish Colleen.

The term "Colleen" is usually used to describe Irish women generally. The fact that she's already supplied us with her name - Margo - makes it's use somewhat redundant. Like, "Jane, an Australian Sheila".

Daft.

Anyway, I suppose I'll just have to get on with it. What else can you do?

What Is Cool?

"Cool" is a very flexible word for the way we live today.

It, depending on usage and context, can be an adjective, a noun, a verb or an adverb. And that's all the kind of words there are. It can probably be several of these at the same time.

It can be used to describe heat (lack of), calmness, friendliness (lack of), style and jazz. Nice.

Colours can even be cool y'know.

But, for the avoidance of doubt, Tesco. Cool is not a fucking flavour.

Being Zoltan Frizz

Very little is known about the recent "internet sensation" Zoltan Frizz except that he sits in front of the back four of Bylis Ballsh in the Albanian league and "makes nice plays". It seems that he may be Albania's first (and only) openly gay holding midfielder living, as he does, with his mercurial boyfriend Aleksander.

You can follow his twitter feed here and see his Wiki page here. Also see this excellent feature article from the web site Aston Villa Central.

But does he really exist?

The jury is out according to the respected Polish web site ZCuba:

"Wiadome jak na razie jest jedno - profil jest prowadzony dla jaj. Nie wiadomo z kolei jeszcze czy Zoltan Frizz to jedna wielka mistyfikacja czy te? zawodnik o tak oryginalnym nazwisku zainspirowa? jedn?/dwie/stado osób do tego dowcipu. A, i wiadomo jeszcze jedno - nam si? ca?kiem podoba."

Roughly translated this means:

Known as one-profile is for eggs. You do not know yet whether Zoltan Frizz rail is one great hoax or the runner with the original name of inspiring one/two/flock to barman. And, you know my-us quite like it.

The plot thickens...

Santa Mantra

Must not tell the kids about Santa.
Must not tell the kids about Santa.
Must not tell the kids about Santa.

This is my mantra.

After all these years drumming the No GOD thing into them, this comparatively harmless belief is actually quite difficult to maintain.

€49

No way could they get away with charging €50 for this piece of fucking shite.

It's only $49.

Anne of Green Gables

According to Wikipedia,

"Anne of Green Gables is a bestselling novel by Canadian author Lucy Maud Montgomery published in 1908. "

This edition here has a foreword by Lauren Child who wrote Charlie and Lola. That's why they've put a Charlie and Lola style drawing on the front. It's supposed to make us, the parent, buy the book 'cos we think it's Charlie and Lola by Lauren Child even tho it's patently Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery.

Sub Liminal.

The Noughties

Finally, as we approach the end of this decade, folks seem to be, fairly unabashedly, referring to it as "the noughties" [1]. Perhaps it's the knowledge that they won't have to do it for much longer that has given them the courage to use this ludicrous term.

Of course I mean in the written media. Nobody has ever actually said the word "noughties" in real life. Certainly not without raising four little antler fingers in the air to indicate "inverted commas". And, clearly, that would only make matters worse.

We can all relax now and looks forward to the next decade. Here's to the, er, "tenties"?

Shit.

[1] even the blogger spell checker is unaware of the term

Grubby Budget Sweetener

With €4 being spent for every €1 coming in, it's clear that the Irish government are bankrupt.

But, evidently, mere financial bankruptcy isn't enough for them. With Brian Cowen refusing to intervene in the recent clerical abuse revelations (see this Irish Times piece "Cowen shows he is second an Irishman, first a Catholic") it's clear that they're also morally bankrupt.

And now today's budget will, it's widely reported, cut excise duty on alcohol in a bid to stop Irish shoppers from crossing the border to shop. Now I'm not suggesting that this move shows a lack of morality but it raises questions at the very least. With many studies clearly showing a direct link between the price of alcohol and the amount people drink perhaps this knee-jerk move, essentially encouraging supermarkets to expand their use of alcohol as a loss leader, needs a bit more thought.

Personally, I'm all for cheap alcohol (for me at any rate) but I can see the wider picture. This grubby little sweetener ascribes to of a frantic government who will try anything, with scant regard the consequences, to save their dismal, discredited hinds.

Crafted for Christmas

In 1926, Stella Artois was brewed as a seasonal beer especially for the Christmas holiday market. In fact, if the new advertising campaign is to be believed, it wasn't "brewed" at all. It was fucking "crafted".

According to Andreas Hilger, Chief Marketing Twat for InBev UK:
"It (the advertising campaign) will raise awareness of the unique position held by Stella Artois as the quintessential Christmas beer and help retailers make the most of this key trading period"

There's a couple of "take-aways" for us here:

1. By dint of being brewed for Christmas (1926) Stella is now the "quintessential Christmas beer".

Leaving aside for a minute the fact that Stella patently is no such thing, can anyone explain to me in what sense is cold fizzy lager a suitable Christmas tipple? Perhaps a hot rum or some mulled wine could make that claim but certainly not fucking Stella. If it's anything at all it's a relatively inoffensive summer drink to throw back while the kids play in the paddling pool. Presumably by promoting themselves as a quintessentially Christmas brew they'll now admit that their product is wholly inappropriate for warm summer days?

2. Stella are doing this to help "retailers make the most of this key trading period".

In these troubled financial times their campaign will help give a leg up to financially beleaguered pubs and off licenses. It's all about philanthropy it would seem. The fact that they stand to make a tidy profit from the holiday period is only a nice little spin-off to their benign festive generosity.

Why not send these try-hard pricks an extra-special Yule-tide message by ignoring them and drinking warm ale instead. With added twigs and beetles for extra flavour. Now that's what I call Christmas.

QI Yawn

I hope I'm wrong here but I'm beginning to think that QI, and possibly Stephen Fry his very self, is a busted flush.

Last week's show was just excruciating. Here's how bad it was. Sandi Toksvig was by far the funniest person on the show. The normally reliable Bill Bailey and Sean Lock just looked bored. Here's a picture of Sean Lock yawning. His yawn was precisely syncopated with one of my many own.

Would anyone back me in a campaign to force Stephen Fry to gain some weight? Part of me can't help thinking that this is at the root of the problem.

Paddy Fahy

This story was related to me last night by my new mate, George, who hails from Dumbarton but has lived in Galway for many years.

It concerns this pub "Paddy Fahy" and it's famously misanthropic landlord "Paddy Fahy".

Soon after moving to Galway, George went into the pub for a pint. He asked for a pint of lager. There was no-one else there except George and Paddy. Paddy was watching a horse-race.

"I'll be a minute" said Paddy, not taking his eyes off the telly.

George sat down and waited patiently. It was a national hunt race and was over two and a half miles. Paddy watched on. After about five minutes George gets sick of waiting. He had a thirst on him and he wanted that pint.

"Can I have that pint of lager, please?", he ventured.
"I told you I'd be with you in a minute", replies Paddy, still fixed on the race.

Sod this thinks George. There's another pub just over the road. He walks out without saying a word. Paddy watches the horses approaching the last fence.

[roll forward several years]

George and his mates are out for a pub crawl in Bohermore. Eventually they get to Paddy Fahy's. Straight away Paddy clocks George.

"I'll serve the rest o ye ... but he's barred" he says , pointing a crooked finger at George.
"Whhat For?", blurts our hero, stunned.

Paddy ignores him and addresses one of the other lads "That one's got far too much to say for himself".

George, for the second time, leaves Paddy Fahy's silently and heads across the road to another pub.

"Too much to say for myself", he mutters in disbelief. "I've asked for a pint of lager. Twice".

WOW! Huzzar!

Wow!

Huzzar!

This is all very exciting! Only €17.50! For 750ml!

Of what?

Dame Shirley Bassey

Maconie and Riley, on BBC Radio 2, the other night played the new song by Dame Shirley Bassey "The Girl From Tiger Bay". It's truly a stonking song and somehow Bassey manages to reign in her usual overblown vocal histrionics.

"I bought a ticket of a lifetime, There's no denying who I am"

Well quite.

Marc Riley said, can you imagine if the likes of Paul McCartney released an album under the name of Sir Paul McCartney. He's be absolutely crucified for being a pompous prick. But somehow, Dame Shirley Bassey seems ok.

I tend to disagree. Would be interested to hear the views of some of our Welsh readers. Taff?

Time Zone

As every school child will know, Ireland and Scotland share the same time zone. Greenwich Mean (or Meridian, possibly) Time in the Winter and British (Irish) Summer Time in the Summer. If you don't believe me, just pick a school child at random from your local school gates and ask them.

But last night it didn't feel that way. Between the hours of 8-10 I sat in my local pub and read the paper before the night crowd arrived. And arrive they did in their fine feathers at which I left. In Scotland, if you wanted to do that you'd need to be there between 6-8. So in that sense the two countries are two hours apart. In the sense of pub time zones.

A small, but noteworthy point, I'm sure you'll agree.

Talking Heads

Seeing that Alan Bennett's brilliant Talking Heads is on tonight reminded me of an embarrassing incident some years ago.

I was only about eighteen at the time and taking some tentative and, thankfully, abortive steps into local politics. I'd been to an SNP meeting. Then, as now, I thoroughly support independence for Scotland but this meeting was boring and, if it were possible, my fellow seekers of Scottish separatism were even duller.

After the meeting they asked me if I fancied a pint. Now I could have found any number of excuses but, unfortunately, the one that I blurted out happened to the the truth.

"Sorry, I can't. I need to go home and watch Talking Heads", I said. They just stared at me.
"It's Thora Hird tonight", I added.

I didn't particularly strike me as a strange thing to say but, looking back, what must they have thought of me heading home to watch that - none more English - of tv programs rather than joining them for some - none more Scottish - pints?

One could only wonder. I don't think I ever went back. I think, essentially, my problem is that I like English stuff far too much to be any good at being an SNP.

Murphy Report

WARNING : Polemic

With the argument raging in this State as to whether bishops, criticized in the Murphy Report for failing to act appropriately to complaints of child abuse, should at the very least be asked to stand down I'm very relieved about one thing. Taking my kids out of a Catholic school.

Frankly, I've no idea how much contact children from most schools have with any members of the clergy. But it strikes me that no risk is too small for something as appallingly seismic as this. It's one thing dealing with clerical abuse in the past but the notion that any resultant action will somehow stop these kinds of atrocities against children occurring again in the future strikes me as naive in the extreme. As long as priests, albeit with less power, continue to live an unnatural lifestyle with delusional belief systems, they are likely to continue with the kind of degenerate psychoses that are now being fully revealed.

The bishops complicit in this should not be asked to stand down. They should be made to stand down and they should be made criminally liable.

The catholic church and it's outdated iniquitous ethos should be removed entirely from our education system so that parents do not need to take this unacceptable risk with their children's safety and future.

[deep breath]

Last word to Mark Twain:

Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

Celtic v Hapoel Tel Aviv

My neighbour and good friend, Niall, has selfishly stopped his Setanta subscription. It was only a fiver a month but he claims that even that was not representing value for money.

But where does that leave me?
It leaves me up shit creek without a Setanta enabled Sky viewing card to illegally borrow for the Celtic v Hapoel Tel Aviv which is only on Setanta is where!

So you might imagine my ... (Is joy too strong a word for it? Well, all things are relative) ... er, joy when I flicked onto the STV website to see if they had the game on. Up pops this as the headline banner:

Wow. Celtic v Hapoel Tel Aviv Live ... Text commentary from 7:30 pm.

Text commentary! Like what you get on the internet! Absolutely pathetic piece of misleading hyperbolic bannereering here.

Super Furry Animals

One of my favourite bands are Super Furry Animals. I saw them play live a couple of times and I think I purchased, using real money, their first six albums.

But obviously these days I don't buy CD's. I get all my new SFA needs on Spotify. Each time I listen to an album they get .. I dunno, about a cent.

So it's not entirely surprising to see the lads leveraging other revenue streams going forward...