The Dead Zone

I'm reading Stephen King's "The Dead Zone". Amazingly enough it's the first King book I've ever read.

(Except The Stand, The Fog, Pet Cemetery and Carrie)

It's a very exciting read indeed.It's about a young teacher who comes out of a four year coma with extra-sensory powers which enable him to look into the future or past of anyone he touches. Sometimes the signal gets weak though and his brain goes into the "The Dead Zone". A place or time in which nothing happens.

We have "The Dead Zone" every Saturday night in our house between the hours of six and eight. Or whenever fucking "Strictly" and "X-Factor" are polluting the airwaves. We replace the "The Dead Zone" with, what we like to call, "The Cocktail Hour".

Attention Rat Breeders

I don't have the stats in front me on how many rats get killed annually by lightening.

Let's take a punt and make the bold claim that one in every million rats killed are killed by lightening. That's being generous and still suggests that the product pictured must be the most ineffective rat poison in history.

Suggested target market...

Rat breeders.

The Spoon Situation

There were three bad things about my hotel in Boston.

1. The eggs - disgusting
2. The music - musak
3. The spoons - too small

I'd already told them about the musak. When I checked out I told the manager about the eggs.
"I know", he agreed, "they're disgusting all right". He shook his head as if the problem was utterly out of his purview.

"Ok what about the spoons? Can we have some big spoons", I asked. "I've been eating my cereal with a tea spoon and it's making me late for work".

"Why not start eating earlier?", he suggested.

I said I'd do that next time. Clearly he had no control over the spoon situation either.

Vanilla Coke

Main Entry: ²vanilla

Function: adjective

Date: 1846

2 : lacking distinction : plain, ordinary, conventional

I was drinking vanilla coke last week. Quite tasty it was too.

Weird thought! It struck me that the above definition of vanilla does not apply to vanilla coke. Vanilla coke, bizarrely enough, is decidedly not vanilla.

Junky Daddy

Main Entry: ¹vin·tage a period of origin or manufacture b : length of existence : age

Vintage, my ARSE. This piece of awful looking SHIT must surely be squarely aimed at the "Junky Daddy" market. Where else?

Muster Point

After work, I went straight here. And waited.

I waited and waited and waited. For half an hour. People came and went but nobody stopped. They just got into their cars and drove home.

So I gave up and went home too. What's the point of a Muster Point with only one Musters?

Daddy's Junky Music

Daddy's Junky Music or, possibly, Daddy's Music Junky (using a guitar as an apostrophe) is opening soon.

November 1st to be precise.

It's in Burlington Mall and will cater exclusively for the music needs of local fathers with chronic drug problems.

This is a niche market but, research clearly shows that, it's a potentially lucrative one.

The Water Giver

The Water Giver. Hmmm, what's this book all about?

Well it's ...

The story of a Mother,
a Son, and
Their Second Chance

Colleagues Finger Billionaire

And finally, in a night positively replete with double-entendre we have this headline from the Wall Street Journal. And don't they look pleased about it!

Mount Gay Rum

Giggling, I even had the cheek to ask 'my waitress' to bring the rum over to me the better to photograph it.

Mount Gay Rum. So named before homosexuality was even invented. What's so bloody funny about dat?