Ladder Survey

I stood by this ladder yesterday for an hour taking notes. Here's some bullet points :

• 143 people walked by me.
• 106 walked round the ladder.
• The remaining 37 walked under the ladder.
• Of that 37 only 9 walked under the ladder without external influence.

The external influence was me. I challenged 56 people to walk under the ladder and, Amazingly!, precisely half of them accepted the challenge with no care about Bad Luck.

There must be a book in this...

Going Forward

I love this example usage of 'going forward' from www.allwords.com.

going forward (adv)

1. In the future.

Going forward we plan to leverage our core competencies to gain market share

Just imagine the sort of person who'd never heard the term before. The kind of dullard who still said 'In the future'. Or just said nothing. Let the context sort it out. Can you imagine!

What if you were to try and teach that hopeless case how to speak properly. For the way we live today. While you were at it, you might as well teach them how to leverage their core competencies to gain market share.

Hot Water For Tea

Here's a futuristic looking picture of the coffee machine at work. Some of my fingers are reflected in it to prove that it's not trick photography. [1]

Featured is the "Hot Water For Tea" button. When you place a cup in the machine filled with instant soup, bovril, vegemite, cheese, crisps, air or indeed anything that isn't tea, and press the button it just looks at you mechanically and does nothing...

It's up to you at this stage. You can either walk away or put a tea-bag in the cup.

Either way, the machine wins.

[1] Yes, the jumper is lilac. What's wrong with that?

We're Cheaper

On the way home last night I found comfort from the most unlikely source. Tesco, that corporate behemoth of a soul-sucking vacuum, had a moment of Ryan Air inspired genius.

Tesco have brilliantly responded to that truly invidious Dunnes Store advert (previously featured here) where, in the absense of any meaningful differentiator, they breezily announce that "The difference is ... we're Irish" and appeal to the public's baser instincts.

Tesco's new advert simply ripostes "The Difference is ... we're cheaper" and, in one fell swoop, utterly exposes the Dunne's ad for the reprehensible, nationalistic bunkum that it is.

Tesco are appealing to a baser, but much more agreeable, human instinct.

Up

Took the kids to see Up at the weekend.

It was mostly a lovely thing. Beautifully made and with the usual action scenes shoehorned in for the hard of thinking market.

Why do they do this? I'm no moralist but I'd love to take my kids to a gentle, funny animated movie without all the fighting, shooting, near deaths and ear-drum reverberating racket. I freaks the kids out.

Why do they do this? They do it because these movies are not for kids. They're for their nitwit parents.

I couldn't find any legal pictures from Up, so I took this one myself.

Head and Shoulders

ADVERTISEMENT

The good people at Proctor and Gamble asked me to say a few words about their excellent Head And Shoulders shampoo product.

I tried the cool menthol ("for maximum refreshment") and it started working from the very first wash. With only medium term retina damage it left my hair not only dandruff free but beautifully manageable.

The Greek Tragedy

Tragedy In a figurative sense a tragedy (from Classical Greek τραγωδία, "song for the goat", see below) is any event with a sad and unfortunate outcome, but the term also applies specifically in Western culture to a form of drama defined by Aristotle characterized by seriousness and dignity and involving a great person who experiences a reversal of fortune (Peripeteia).

Georgios Samaras, aka The Greek Tragedy, is pictured here wheeling away after scoring Celtic's second goal today. This went some way to reversing his fortunes after his sad, unfortunate (not to mention fucking shite) performance in midweek.

Aristotle would have had, no doubt, plenty to say about this Freddie Mercury lookalike of a striking enigma. I myself would just prefer it if he'd settle on either being really rather good or just piss-poor.

Some consistency please.

The Liberty Of Norton ... Folgate

Despite a late rally on the inside rail by Richard Hawley upon the sublime Truelove's Gutter, Madness aboard The Liberty Of Norton Folgate held on to win by a short head.

Win what, Musters Old Bean?
Why my album of the year of course!

You should believe me. This superb paean to the dark side of old London Town is an album utterly replete with top-notch singles. If such things even exist in this day and age.

You should believe me because heretofore I've had little interest in Madness or their music. I was thoroughly ambivalent towards these geezers. This album grabbed my attention about six months ago and hasn't stopped since. It's easily the best thing they've done.

The best single on this album full of singles is the beautiful, moving NW5 which contains the best lyric of the year:

I will have to live my life
But without you in my life

You might think it's a bit naff rhyming 'life' with 'life'. But in ain't. It's bleedin' splendiferous, chums.

Sale Agreed

The credit crunch is sure biting hard, folks.

Yesterday, I saw this push bike and thought about buying it. Unfortunately, it had gone beyond "under offer" and was now "sale agreed". Pending the actualisation of legal missives and interlocutory nullities it seems like I've missed out on this baby.

Sexy Cat

I don't suppose you'll be surprised to learn that I truly loathe Halloween.

Even if I'm right in the middle of learning about some interesting newt species on The One Show, I have to get up, answer the door and give kids sweets to fill their fa... fabulously lovely faces with.

But it's not the kids that bug me. Their brains are not fully developed yet and they don't know any better. No, it's the adults. Specifically those who don't just do it for the kids. The ones who are actually into the whole corporate fiasco in real life. The sort of person who would buy this.