Combat erectile dysfunction

Just watched an advert for Cialis which is a drug to combat erectile dysfunction.

In the "small print" they say,

If your erection lasts for 4 hours seek immediate medical attention.

Anything under the 4 hour mark is fine. Just enjoy yourself and treat yo' woman right. But if you maintain your belisha beacon for a full 4 hours then don't mess about. Stop enjoying yourself and seek immediate medical attention.

Cialis. For the way we combat erectile dysfunction.

I'll say.

Obituary Subject

Obituary Subject
From: musters musters
Sent: 29 August 2009 11:38:17
To: schilds@scotsman.com

Hi Simon,

I note in today's edition of The Scotsman that you are soliciting suggestions for possible obituary subjects.

I wondered if you'd considered basing an obituary on that most thorny but, Alas!, unavoidable subject of DEATH itself?

Best Regards,

Musters

The Jamhouse

I was in the Jamhouse the other night. I had a lovely evening. You might find this surprising given that the Jamhouse is almost certainly the worst pub in Edinburgh.

I'm not even talking about the beer. The beer selection and quality is awful and aimed exclusively at the hard of tasting market. No, in a place like the Jamhouse you should expect bad beer. And you definitely won't be disappointed.

We were all having a good chat and generally 'meeting and greeting'. But would it have killed them to put the Celtic game on with the volume down?

The bar staff were utterly gormless to a man but, in their defence, in the unlikely event of them knowing how to operate the remote control, they still couldn't have put the game on. No, for it was the pub policy not to show sport. Even if we, the customers, wanted it on. Instead they had a Jamhouse slide-show showing various elements and representations of boogie-fucking-woogie.

And when you find boogie-fucking-woogie you can be sure that Jools Holland is not far away. Indeed, the Jamhouse is his gaff. And another policy of Holland's is that there must be live music (boogie-woogie, of course) every single night. So above, pictured, we see a band performing boogie-woogie to an empty hall while we all have a thoroughly lovely time drinking overpriced piss-water through the front bar.

For the way we live today.

The Diary Of Horace Wimp

The other night I met the guy who used to run Ace Music Centre. A record shop beloved of my teen years and now, sadly, no more. This guy, lets call him Keith, for that's his name, was kind and patient and would always let me return records even though, patently, it was my dodgy stylus which made them jump.

I bought him a pint and we talked about the good old days. About Milk and Alcohol in white vinyl and Sound of the Suburbs in clear. We got onto ELO, a band we both still have a fondness for.

"That reminds me", I reminded him.
"What's that?", goes Keith, sipping his pint.
"You fucking sold me the Diary of fucking Horace fucking Wimp"
"Aye?"
"Had you no concern for a gullible fourteen year old?".
"Hmmm", he said thoughtfully, adding, "Same again?".

Lousy, sexy sweet wrappers

Is it absolutely necessary, do you think, for these children's sweet wrappers to be quite so damned sexy?

GIT sticker

My man on the ground sent me through this picture of a GIT sticker. And thoroughly distasteful it is too.

If you see one of these GIT's I urge you not to give them any business. And make it your business to tell them why.

btw, don't bother trying to look on their website. It doesn't exist.

Address Not Found - Firefox can't find the server at www.gitaxis.vp.ie.

Nitwits!

More on GIT's here and here.

Taxi and Hutch

TAXI and HUTCH
STAXI and HUTCH
STARXI and HUTCH
STARSXI and HUTCH
STARSXY and HUTCH

...STARSKY and HUTCH!!! Like the tv program. But a taxi.

Wow!

Vivaldi's Four Seasons

I went to hear the Cologne (Colognic?) Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra play last night. I was in the very front row but had no fear of being picked on by these nice young Germans. They played beautifully with great energy and verve. They played Bach, Handel, Mozart and the whole of Vivaldi's Four Seasons. The entire album! They played the piece collaboratively and authentically, laying to rest the ghost of Nigel Kennedy's virtuoso, modernist, uptempo fiasco.

The only thing that ruined it for me was that the woman next to me continually hummed along to the well known bits. After the show, I was discussing this with my Mum. I told her that humming along to an orchestra was an absolute NoNo and constituted a social faux pas of gargantuan proportions. It would certainly have ruined an otherwise splendid evening's entertainment for anyone within the hapless woman's general vicinity. She agreed and told me that in future she would take greater care to restrain herself.

The Irish Pink Floyd

Here's the Irish Pink Floyd from the other night. It was quite a show.

They did the whole of the Dark Side of the Moon. It was proper brilliant.

If they come back and do the other side I'll be first in the queue.

Conversations with a non GIT

My driver told me last night that GIT's are frequently rude to him and also cut across him in traffic. They are generally impolite, un-Christian and sneering. As he put it himself, "they is always getting thick with me", "you know that kinda of a way" and he also commented that, in his opinion "they have lost the run of themselves".

When we got to my house he asked, "Do you live here?".
"I do indeed", I replied. "This is my house".
"I'm just after bringing two ladies here".
"Really!", I replied. "That would have been my Aunt and my Mum".
"Janey Mac!", he exclaimed. "Small world".
"It is indeed", I told him. "But I wouldn't like to paint it".
He laughed and told me that my Aunt and Mum were "Great craic altogether".

Then he promised to send me some pictures of GIT's.