Blasphemous Bill

From: Musters 

Sent: 11 May 2009 07:05

To: dermot@dermotahern.ie

Subject: Blasphemy Bill

Dear Mr Ahern,

I write in regard to the new Blasphemy Bill on which you, of course, have my full support.

As a 'blow-in' to this state, some ten years ago, I have been taken aback, time and time again, by the sacrilegious impiety in which Our S*viour's name has been taken. Something must be done to curtail this spiral of of vile, irreverent profanity which undermines our language. Nay, Sir, undermines our very love of Chr*st, who died that we may live.

That said, I have a confession to make. I have a young son who refuses, will not be taught!, to desist from committing the crime of which we speak. He is six years of age and should know better. He has been well guided in these matters. Our protestations and corrections appear to be in vain however.

"Oh G*d", "Oh My G*d" and, worst of all surely, that single chilling word "G*d" are never far away from his bold young lips. Such shame!

We have attempted to guide him away from this entirely and, more recently in desperation, towards lesser blasphemes such of "G*sh" and "G*odness" with very little success. He will take no telling in this respect and we are at our wit's end.

On Friday as punishment, we put him over the wall to the field behind our house. There, for three hours and forty five minutes, we left him to roam amongst the bovine beasts in that place. We made him eat the grass in an attempt to sanctify his contaminated mouth and be at one with Our G*d anew.

The very next morning, while playing with his action men, he again blasphemed. He was due to attend a friend's birthday party that afternoon and, rather than withdraw that privilege, we made him go with nothing more than a vest, underpants and plimsolls to protect his modesty.  

He would not be shamed. That same crime was committed again yesterday. As punishment we placed him on the roof with a power-hose and made him clean the guttering. The clearing of moss and dirt were to act as a powerful symbol for his sins.

Sadly, I must admit that even the use of strong metaphor had no effect on this recidivist man-child. And so, I come to you as a man of vision. Can you lead our family back towards the light? Save us from this blight. What advice can you give me? Can you suggest a purification for this child to fit his base crimes and make him utter them nevermore? 

Alternatively, please treat the above words as a full confession of my guilt. Spare my son but take me. I have tried my hardest but I have clearly failed in my duty. Therefore the full fine of €100,000 (which will amount to my house and all that's in't) is small punishment indeed. Sir, I accept this fine fully and your right, as Justice Minister, to administer G*d's Righteous Will on Earth. Or at least in this Free State.

Best Regards, 

Musters